How many organs have they eaten today? Were they meat or pianos? Are your pianos vegan?
MockMom

Do You REALLY Love Your Children?

How many organs have they eaten today? Were they meat or pianos? Are your pianos vegan?

By Mandi Em of Healthy Living for Hot Messes

You say you love your children, but do you really love your children?

You share the memes about cherishing them when they’re little, but do you actually sneak into their rooms and sniff their hair while holding their lost teeth in your pockets, letting the enamel rattle between your dishworn fingers as you quietly chant the things you want them to achieve into their ears while they sleep? Do you love your children enough to use subliminal messaging on them in the dead of night?

You say you love your children, but I see you in the drive through,¬†poisoning them slowly because you’re tired from a day of doing all the things. All the things EXCEPT taking your loose postpartum skin and fashioning it into a makeshift pouch so you can carry them around with you all day, because one day they will be grown and no longer want to eat your organic peas and carrots. Do you really love your children?

You say you love your children, but have you read the books? Have you stayed up all night on blogs reading about all the things you’re doing wrong? Then followed it up with more books that contradict the first set of books? If my love were a fort it would be built of books. What would your love fort be built out of?

You say you love your kids, but do they eat organic? How many organs have they eaten today? Were they meat or pianos? Are your pianos vegan? How much do you love your children, huh?

You say you love your children, but do you drop everything to tend to their every need? Do you stifle your bad feelings into a little ball in the pit of your stomach so they can always see you smiling? Are you smiling now? Are you writing their college papers for them so they’ll be ready in 17 years? Is your mouth open, crooked open at the sides and showing an immaculate set of teeth? Are you happy? Have you been flossing?

You say you love your children, but can you recite what their weight was 2 weeks after birth, or a month, or when they were just an embryo? Did you give them a name with a keenly placed “y”? Are your children gifted or do they eat nuggets? Are those nuggets made of organs or pianos? How many instruments do your children play?

ARE YOU SMILING?

*****

About the Author

Mandi Em is a freelance writer, humorist, and hot mess mom of three. She blogs at Healthy Living for Hot Messes and you can find her on Instagram and Twitter.