Breast Milk Coffee Creamer Now Being Sold At Whole Foods

By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

We have officially entered flu season, and if you’ve got kids, chances are they’ve been bringing home all those pesky sick germs that tend to breed on the nose-excavating fingers and snot-covered school desks of school children. I know I’ve pretty much been battling some sort of cold or stomach bug since my kids started school back in August.

I’m sick. And I’m tired. Like, all the time. Lately it seems like even my morning cup of coffee isn’t giving me the pick-me-up it usually does.

Fortunately, I’ve just discovered that Whole Foods has released an entire line of coffee creamers that may just be able to give me that extra boost of energy and antibodies I so desperately need.

According to Whole Foods spokeswoman Morgan Nick, Boob Juice Creamers™ are made “almost entirely from the sanitarily-expressed breast milk of healthy, nursing mothers who follow an all-organic diet and regularly rub their tits with essential oils and shit.”

The products are being advertised as “100% guaranteed to, like, literally pump your favorite organic coffee with tons of flavor, creamy goodness, vitamins, and essential antibodies.”

Welp, I’m sold. We all already know that breast is best, so it only makes sense that pouring that sweet nipple nectar into your coffee will transform your mediocre morning Joe into a magical, miraculous cup of perfection.

As of press time, Boob Juice Creamers™ flavors included the following:

  • Caramel Colostrum
  • Vanilla Mammilla
  • French Toast Formula-Shamer
  • Areola Amaretto
  • Hazelnut Hooters

A Boob Juice Creamers™ representative also told us that the company is teaming up with two popular candy brands to create several candy-inspired flavors, projected to hit shelves in late November. These will include:

  • Titty Twisted Twix
  • Three MuskeTeats
  • Mounds

Currently, Boob Juice Creamers™ are exclusive to Whole Foods, but Nick tells us the company is in talks with the La Leche League Board of Directors about joining forces to expand its availability to several smaller, locally-owned businesses.

“We can’t just go on allowing people to put artificial creamers in their coffee,” she said. “That shit is poison.”


About The Author

Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars