By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Hey, you! Yeah, you, in the snot-encrusted, off-brand sweatpants. We know that taking care of bills, kids, and a household in the middle of a global pandemic has left you with very little time and energy to take care of you. Perhaps you’re not feeling like your sexiest self right now, but that doesn’t mean the man in your life is finding you any less fuck-worthy.
In fact, according to a recent study, men are sexually attracted to their burnt-out, exasperated, at-the-end-of-their-proverbial-rope female partners now more than ever. An independent research group made up of lots of smarty-pants with capital letters and abbreviations after their names spent several weeks studying the male brain and its hormonal responses to various attributes in female partners. According to their research*, here’s what your man may actually be thinking when he sees you in all your exhausted, worn out, don’t-give-a-fuck-anymore glory.
*American Journal of Medicine publication approval pending
When he sees…
Your greasy, unwashed face. Natural oils make for great lube. Also, guys are visual creatures. If you’re on top, that sheen on your forehead acts like an hourly-rate motel ceiling mirror. He can watch himself screw you all night long!
Or, let’s be real, like 30-45 seconds.
Mascne. Speaking of the unclean state of your face, all those little pimples polka-dotting your chin? Maybe they gross you out, but he thinks they’re hot, like a bunch of tiny nipples he gets to play with. And if you’ve got a whitehead, that really gets his motor going. I mean, a white-WHAT now? We all know what he hopes is going down tonight. Or who.
Your lack of motivation to put on a bra. We don’t think this one needs an explanation.
That sweaty top knot. To you, it’s just an easy way to keep your dirty hair out of your face. But to the penocentric male brain, that protrusion sticking out of the top of your head is an undeniably clear phallic symbol. He basically sees this as the equivalent of a peacock displaying its feathers to attract a mate. And now you’ve put the word COCK in his head. Yes, it’s your fault.
The juice stain on your crotch. So your toddler flipped his sippy cup over while you were dozing on the couch in front of another episode of Bluey? Well, that little rugrat has effectively transformed your she-slit into a tantalizing twat treat. The sweet smell and splash of color is an irresistible combination to the male brain.
Your oldest, rattiest sweatpants. If they’ve got any holes in them, they make you look instantly more fuckable. The more holes the better.
Snot, shit, spit up, or any other disgusting substance smeared on your clothing/hair/body. The only explanation our experts have for this one is that some men “just like it dirty.”
While the research is inconclusive as to why the male brain—or more accurately, dick—responds in these peculiar ways, experts agree that there are ways for women to “ward off” their male partners’ attention.
“If you really just want him to leave you the fuck alone, the solution is pretty straightforward,” stated one expert, who requested to remain anonymous in case his wife ever reads this shit. “Just make an effort. Go to the salon and get your hair cut. Do your makeup. Put on your favorite outfit, the one that makes you feel strong, beautiful, and confident.”
“Or, just, you know, casually drop the term ‘dishwasher’ into conversation. Any of those things are guaranteed to make him ignore you.”
*****
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and four lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.