By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
According to Science, couples who opt for coconut oil as a sexual lubricant conceive smarter, healthier, and more developmentally-advanced babies.
Shae D. Science, a self-proclaimed “crunchy mom,” recently conducted an independent experiment to determine what effects the popular, all-natural health remedy might have on the unborn.
“The healing powers of coconut oil are undeniable,” said Science, who, despite having no professional medical training, “did dissect a fetal pig once in high school anatomy.”
“God, it was awful,” she said, referring to the incident. “Charlotte’s Web was my favorite book growing up. I will, of course, be homeschooling my own children in order to shield them from that kind of unnecessary trauma. There’s just no place for animal brutality in education.”
Science said she and her husband had been using coconut oil for years to improve digestion, moisturize their skin, heal minor abrasions, and feel superior to “naïve imbeciles who’ve been suckered into Big Pharma exploitation.” However, it wasn’t until the couple began discussing the possibility of procreating that Science considered the effect the “magical oil” might have on a developing fetus when used in conjunction with the fertilization process.
“I asked my doula about it, but she said that as far as she knew, no studies had been done. So I decided to conduct one of my own.
“I planned to conceive two children within two years, one with coconut oil and one with a more traditional lubricant. I knew that in order for the experiment to be accurate—and to be taken seriously—we would need several control variables, so we kept our methods as consistent as possible, varying only the type of lubricant used. The fertilization process in both instances would involve my body, my eggs, my uterus, and my organically-grown bamboo bed sheets. My husband would provide the sperm, and we would stick to missionary position.
“I refuse to participate in ‘doggie-style’ sex on principle. It does a disservice to our furry friends by making a mockery of their preferred style of lovemaking.”
Science was adamant about the specific type of coconut oil used in the experiment.
“It had to be virgin coconut oil,” she said. “We wanted to keep Conception Number One as pure and unsullied as possible.”
When the time came to conceive baby number two, the couple eschewed coconut oil for something “more traditional.”
“I refused to buy KY Jelly, even for the sake of the experiment. That stuff’s loaded with toxic chemicals, and I wasn’t about to risk cauterizing my vagina. That certainly wouldn’t have been conducive to our goal. So we used homemade strawberry jam instead. It was actually surprisingly pleasant. You know what they say about strawberries being a powerful aphrodisiac.”
Science ended up birthing two boys in two years, as planned. The first, conceived with coconut oil, she christened Albert Vincent Zephyr. The second, conceived with strawberry jam, she named Bubba.
Science says the disparity between her sons’ respective health and development is “painfully obvious.”
“Little Albert is a genius,” she said. “I delivered him vaginally via water birth in our home, and when my midwife placed him on my chest, he latched right on. I swear he was suckling out the tune of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, as if my breasts were his personal woodwinds. Albert’s never had any health issues, and he was walking by his first birthday—to the big boy toilet, where he exhibited perfect aim. He hates television, except for the occasional documentary, and requests that Anna Karenina be read to him every night before he tucks himself into bed.”
Science says that as much as Albert has thrived since he was born, Bubba has struggled.
“That little beast had to be cut out of me in a cold hospital room two weeks early,” she said. “He refused to take the boob, broke out in a rash when I put him in a cloth diaper, and would only stop crying if I shoved a pacifier in his mouth. A RUBBER, CHEMICAL-LACED BINKY, FOR CHRISSAKES. He’s been colicky, had multiple ear infections, plays with his own poop, drools constantly, and shows zero interest in books or music. Unless you consider that insipid I Can’t Feel My Face song ‘music.’ It’s the only thing that puts him to sleep.
“He also has a strange affinity for strawberry jam.”
Science is convinced that Albert’s success can be attributed to the coconut oil she used when conceiving him.
“It’s exactly as I predicted,” she said. “Coconut oil breeds angelic geniuses. Any couple trying to conceive should be using it. In fact, I would be curious to study the effect it has on alleged ‘infertile’ couples. Everyone knows ‘infertility’ is one giant conspiracy concocted by the medical field for monetary gain.”
Despite reaching out to multiple medical journals, Science has yet to find a venue willing to publish her findings.
“I’m not worried,” she said. “JK Rowling was rejected, and look where she is now. Sometimes people who write about magic just need to be patient and wait for the rest of the world to catch on.”
In the meantime, Science is bathing her youngest son, Bubba, in coconut oil on a nightly basis, hoping to reverse some of the “obvious damage” he suffered during his conception.