Let’s talk about sex as parents, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about how our kids sword fight each other with dildos they found in our “naughty drawer,” barge in on us while we’re pumpin’ up the jam, jump on top of us and scream, “I wanna wrestle toooo!” or how your baby rage-crying over the monitor is the biggest boner killer ever.
We used to look at each other the way Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper do, but nower days our sex life is the carnal equivalent of Marge Simpson’s signature worried groan.
If your kid is a level 10 cock block, you’re not alone, and the funny parents of the internet are here to commiserate with these dank memes captioned by the lyrics to “Shallow.” Because why not? They won’t help you nut, but maybe they’ll help take the edge off with some laughter.
1. Tell me something, boy
Do you wanna do me through the crotch hole I ripped in my favorite leggings from wearing them for days on end, or nah?
2. Aren’t you tired trying to fill that void?
They say cuddling with your spouse is the key to marital happiness, but all I ever get is ha-penis.
3. Or do you need more?
The house smells like boy piss and mystery smells, everyone is hungry, and your days of being a care-free trollop are gone.
4. Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?
Literally never in the history of ever has tea-bagging the missus with your scrote led to intercourse.
5. I’m falling…
Right onto your peen if you do the above.
6. In all the good times I find myself longing for change
Seriously, we will do dirty, nasty things to you.
7. And in the bad times I fear myself
I’ve used my mouth to yell at our heathens all day and rage-sigh into my stale, tepid coffee. There’s no way your bratwurst is going into my face hole.
8. I’m off the deep end
Just a sec, I gotta coil these bad boys around myself and tie them into no fewer than 5 nautical knots, but once I’m done it’s ON!
9. Watch as I dive in
Or watch as YOU dive in, rather. Giggity.
10. I’ll never meet the ground
Unless we’re far, far away from our children where I don’t have to be in “mom mode.” Then it’s a different story. You better bring an ice pack; I’m gonna throw both our backs out.
11. Crash through the surface
I hope you’re taking notes. We’re dishing you some gold here.
12. Where they can’t hurt us
Lego. Lego everywhere. In every nook and cranny. EVERY nook and cranny.
13. We’re far from the shallow now
Is it hot in here? It’s quite steamy in my undercarriage.
14. In the shallow, shallow
Parents. Putting the “eh” in sex.
15. We’re far from the shallow now
We are not, however, far enough away from Caillou.
16. Oh, ohhhhhh, ooooh-WOAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Annnnd, I just came. My Cascade is complete (did she just make a detergent joke? YES, I DID!)
17. Tell me something, girl
There is one great thing about that married, parent life. Your partner usually knows the right combo to your panty lock.
18. Is there something else you’re searching for?
Yeah, and it’s not your dick, Steve.
I don’t know about you, but some of these memes made my loins quiver with the thunderous ferocity of Lady Gaga’s voice when she hits that lyrical climax.
Go forth and spread the laughs and this meme version of parental sex-ed. Your fellow parents will thank you.