By Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness
Marty, 9, showed giftedness in cock blocking from an early age.
“He was always much better at it than his siblings,” his mother said as she stared out the window. “His timing was impeccable. It’s like he just KNEW.”
I met Marty’s mother, Gwen, at a local diner for our interview. She picked at her sweater sleeves, tamping down an invisible internal rage. Clearly, years of interrupted coitus had left her tense.
“It started when he was just a baby – he cried, of course, just as all babies do – but his timing exhibited an above-average skill. He would be happy all day, and I’d feel so relaxed and excited to see my husband,” whispered Gwen. “But then, just when things started heating up … he would scream bloody murder. Eventually, we were too exhausted to care anymore. We haven’t had sex in 9 years.”
As Marty grew older, he showed himself to be a cock-blocking prodigy. His parents took immediate action to stop it: door locks, baby sitters, sex at odd times of day. All attempts failed. Marty was a master.
At 6, he discovered a love for stopping not just sexual fun, but ALL fun. Marty researched occupations and discovered a deep calling to don the black-and-white uniform of a referee. Typically, officiating requires years of training and experience, but Marty was a natural. He intuitively knew when to blow the whistle.
I visited him on the playing field in the Mercedez-Benz Superdome, home of the New Orleans Saints. He may be a child, but the players regard him with the utmost respect.
“The boy’s got a gift,” commented Saints wide-receiver Brandin Cooks. “Not only on the field, but in the club. He saved me from bangin’ a lotta hoes.”
Marty keeps it simple with this personal motto:“Anytime I see a good play happen, I call a foul.”
Well played, Marty. Well played.
*****
About the Author
Harmony is a full-time mother of three who navigates the waters of motherhood without any grace or finesse whatsoever. A fan of strong coffee, red wine, and sturdy undergarments, her work is self-described as “honesty and insanity in one fell swoop.” Her writing has been featured on Today Parents, Scary Mommy, The Mid, Mamalode, Mamapedia, Bon Bon Break, and in two anthologies: Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays and I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. For more — and you know you want more — follow her on Facebook and at her blog, Modern Mommy Madness.