I don't think I could find my own literal asshole if not for the map app on my phone.

I Accidentally Left My Phone at Home and Survived (Barely)

You know the old saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” It’s like, one second it’s in my hand, literally conducting my life, and the next, it’s helplessly sitting on the counter next to the sink. I know it’s sitting there, all alone, left purposeless, and probably afraid.  Why didn’t I just use the hand sanitizer in my car? Did I really need to put my poor, defenseless phone in this situation so I could what? Wash my hands with soap and water? Goddamnit!

If I’m being honest with myself, all of this misplaced empathy towards my phone is actually just a coping mechanism to deal with how I’m feeling right now. Truthfully, I’m lost. I’m starting to feel pity for myself, and the best way to deal with that is by diverting pity to something else.

Like, when I lost out on that promotion last month and to feel better about myself, I went downtown to find the homeless people and spread some Washingtons around to remind myself that my life was MUCH better than theirs.

And to ensure I would have a yearly reminder of that revelation, I posted on social about my charity. And what was there to remind me of my good fortune and even better deeds? My fucking phone.

I have to apologize for my outbursts of anger. It’s been a long day, and the only thing keeping me from snapping like Michael Douglas in Falling Down is the extreme boredom I’m experiencing.

HOOOOLEEEEEEEY SHIT this world is a complete bummer without my phone. I’m not a complete asshole, I can look at nature and be impressed, but that moment is fleeting. Now, taking a picture and posting it with an inspirational tag is the way to keep that high going. Every time someone likes it I get a buzz. Yeah, I get a rush of serotonin, but I also get a literal buzz. That’s right, all notifications are on, baby!

And that’s what I can’t stop thinking about. Not the notifications, because I haven’t posted anything all day. I can’t stop thinking about what could have been. I saw a baby in a stroller holding a Starbucks cup and said to the mom, “I hope that’s a decaf.” She chuckled, but it felt forced, and I just couldn’t help but think that caption would have killed.

I also witnessed a dude flip out over Costco’s policy that his emotional support iguana had to wear a mask. I mean, I was kind of on his side, because how do you put a mask on a lizard? At the same time, I knew that a video shaming him would give me notifications for a week. All I could do was just watch as he performed a nondescript martial art on the employees and passersby. The only saving grace is that I saw another spectator filming, so I can probably relive the moment later on. However, I’m also feeling rage-fueled jealousy at all the notifications that guy is going to get over the next couple of hours.

I guess the sad reality is that I am too reliant on my phone. It wakes me up, reminds me what’s on my schedule, and guides me to the places I have to be. I don’t think I could find my own literal asshole if not for the map app on my phone. The gazillion other things my phone does, in addition to providing endless emotional gratification, are just…too much.

In the end, I’m just thankful that my neighbor saw me wandering around aimlessly, and led me back to my house. From there, I was easily able to find my phone (of course I can get from room to room without some gadget directing me). It’s lucky that I got back to the sink when I did, because she was on her last breath.

And oh, what’s this? A notification? Just for me, and without even posting all day? I’m pre-orgasmic from just the thought. Oh…it’s just a “Potential Spam” call…well, after the day I’ve had, I’ll take what I can get.