Valentine's Day Gifts To Buy Now by Sammiches and Psych Meds
Humor Sex and Relationships SPM

10 Valentine’s Day Gifts to Buy Your Wife NOW To Avoid Ending Up At The Card Aisle Sausage Party

Alright folks, I know time is short, but I promise you can do better than stale chocolates and cheap cards. The best gifts are the ones that require a tiny bit of thinking about what your Valentine enjoys. Don’t worry, I’m going to break this down so you can look thoughtful AF even though you’ve waited so long. 

If you don’t already have an Amazon Prime membership, may I suggest you get on that. For the sole perk of last minute shopping without paying for expedited shipping, it’s worth every penny for a slacker such as yourself.

Valentine's Day Gifts To Buy Now by Sammiches and Psych Meds

If you’re looking for gift ideas for Valentine’s Day so you don’t end up at the card aisle sausage party at your local drugstore, this handy guide just might save your ass.

Coffee/Tea Drinkers

I fucking love you funny coffee mug with lid valentine's day gift Sammiches and Psych Meds

Seriously, you cannot go wrong getting them a fun new vessel for their favorite brew. These don’t have to be sappy if that’s not your style. Find a funny mug (like this one) or an insulated tumbler that suits their personality. Pair this with gift certs to spend on sites like Tea Forte or a loaded Starbucks or Duncan card. 

Wine Lovers

wine cork holder valentine's day gift guide by Sammiches and Psych Meds

Grab a bottle or two of decent wine and pair it with a cute wine stopper or a decorative cork holder in the shape of a heart. Oh, and, make sure she’s practicing safe sips with these handy wine condoms.

wine condom funny valentine's day gifts Sammiches and Psych Meds


charcuterie board valentine's day gifts last minute Sammiches and Psych Meds

Thanks to some funny memes, there’s a lot of folks into creating charcuterie (aka shark coochie) boards. Gift her a nifty board like this one, along with a nice salami, some crackers, cheese, maybe some dried fruit or roasted nuts and you’re good to go. 

shark coochie board funny meme

Too much work?

instant pot valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds

Nothing says love like helping out in the kitchen. Even indirectly with time and sanity-saving gadgets like an air fryer, Instant Pot, or smoothie machine she’s been coveting ever since her BFF has been raving about it on social media. The key here is to get the gadget she wants, not the new vacuum you need. Unless she’s wanting a robot vac, then do that.

Unsure if any of this would suit your sweetie? Okay, let’s get super basic. 

amazon gift card valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds

Of course, a gift certificate for a spa visit or massage membership is great — BUT only if she will use it. Otherwise it’s one more thing on a to do list that will make her feel guilty. For a safer bet, why not treat her to a shopping spree from home?


Got kids who are still living at home? The best gift you can give your beloved spouse is time ALONE. Trust me on this. 

Start with an Audible subscription. Every month she can pick one new title to listen to, because she probably has little chance to actually pick up a book and read. Plus, they have all kinds of free content like podcasts, meditations, exclusive releases and more. 

air pods valentine's day gift guide by Sammiches and Psych Meds

Splurge on some AirPods (even off-brand ones like these are great!) or even just noise cancelling headphones like these from VANKYO. Because being able to tune out all these kids for a bit feels like a mini vacation.

lip masks valentine's day gift guide by Sammiches and Psych Meds

How about adding a weighted blanket and eye or lip mask so she can tune out and relax?

weighted blanket valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds

Want to really make her swoon? Send her away for 24-48 hours. Book a room for her in a hotel with full room service and a bar. Or a VRBO somewhere she can use Uber Eats. The where matters so much less than some solo time. 

Subscription Boxes

Are another simple way to spoil your mate without having to choose any actual gifts. Is she a Disnerd? Get a Walt Life box. Or just head over to CrateJoy and browse a bit, they truly have a box for everyone and anyone. 

Set up a fun date night from home with an escape room in a box.

escape room in a box valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds


my person morse code bracelet valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds

Still, I think my favorite find this year is an inexpensive piece of jewelry that will forever remind her why you married. This Morse code bracelet is a cute little hidden reminder of how much you care for her.

Finally, there are always Novelty Gifts

For example, in the spirit of the pandemic there’s a startlingly wide selection of Valentine’s TP to choose from. Then there are these gag gift gems if your wifey has a good sense of humor. Like this “How To Eat Ass Like A Champ” blank journal:

how to eat ass like a champ novelty blank journal valentine's day gift

An unexpected treat:

eat shit chocolate funny valentine's day gift guide Sammiches and Psych Meds

Or this other Morse code bracelet that lets her say exactly how she feels without actually saying how she feels:

fuck off morse code bracelet funny valentine's day gift Sammiches and Psych Meds

I truly hope this Valentine’s Day gift guide saves your ass from the day-of grocery store walk of shame and scores you a little V on V-day *wink wink*