Who knew that the moment you became a parent, you also unknowingly gave family, friends, and complete fucking strangers the right to ream you with their unsolicited parenting advice and judgment? I’m convinced we groggily signed a waiver that gave asshats everywhere the goddamned audacity, right after we received (and lost) our parenting manuals.
Quarantine life has many of us feeling like we were Spartan-kicked back to the newborn stage. Our heads are heavy with worry, we’re not sleeping well, we look like twice-baked shit, and everything is chaos. To top it all off, our social media feeds and comment sections seem rife with judgment towards those of us just trying to do our best. There’s this mountain of pressure to learn something new, keep the house clean, organize our homes, take on our new roles as teachers with smiles and grace, and a heaping scoop of shame if you don’t love every second of this “gift” of time we’ve been given. I’m sorry, but f that noise.
If you feel like you’re burning alive under the giant magnifying glass in the sky when it comes to your parenting abilities, or have ever felt personally victimized, pressured, or shamed by judgy twats, consider this roundup a virtual middle finger.
1. Who’da thunk!
2. Hello, fellow assmaiden!
3. Super helpful, thanks
4. Just roll around in the shit with me for a bit
5. Knock yourself out!
6. We were all perfect parents before we had kids
7. Stick that in your essential oil diffuser and waft in it, Susan
8. Amen, sister
9. Come back when they’re at least 6, mmkay?
10. Louder for the people in the back
11. This one gets a standing ovation
12. In the words of Gwen Stefani, “Don’t speak.”
13. The hell fucking yes you are
14. And looked, and looked
15. Let me bitch in peace
16. Slow and loud
17. This hoodoo checks out
18. Sometimes we just need to vent!
19. The gift that keeps on chapping my forlorn ass
20. Got something in my pocket for ya
21. Thanks for this absolute gem in my time of need
22. Take an extra slice for the road
23. Oh, is that all???
In case you started to let yourself believe the lies that you’re not the perfect mom for your kids, let me Mutombo-stuff that bullshit right out of your court. You got this.