Just when we thought it might be safe to go out, BAM- Murder Hornets.
If you’re thinking “what the fuck is a murder hornet and oh dear God how could 2020 possibly get worse?!” you aren’t alone. The “murder hornet” is actually just a sinister name for a species of invasive giant hornet that’s been spotted recently in the United States for the first time. If this is pinging your dire-o-meter then it’s for good reason- this is very unwelcome news in the vast ocean of shittiness in which we currently find ourselves.
The Asian giant hornet can grow up to lengths of about 1.5 to 2 inches. Their stingers are so long that they can sting a bitch right through a beekeeping suit, causing a lot of pain but (usually) not death. If they were to swarm a person then they’d likely live up to their “murder” moniker, however, in normal circumstances they are more of a threat to local bee populations (which, to be fair, will cause some major human damage in secondary consequences).
The murder hornets’ M.O. seems to be decapitating bees, decimating populations, which is a huge problem. Scientists are now trying to sort out how to evict these critters fast, so that they don’t get comfortable and cause massive problems to native bee populations and food systems.
In the tragic hellscape that this year has been so far, the news of these massive ungodly creatures was a quite unwelcome plot twist. That being said, where there’s big scary feelings, there’s often super hilarious content.
12 Hilarious Tweets Responding to the Very Unwelcome Murder Hornet Plot Twist
1. *Collective sigh*
It was the best of times, it was the murder hornet of times
— Shenanigans (@Shenanigans_luv) May 4, 2020
2. I want to speak to a manager please.
WAIT WHO CALLED THEM "MURDER HORNETS" AND NOT BUZZKILLS
— Sam Corbin (@ahoysamantha) May 4, 2020
3. A different sort of drone.
Governments: please stay inside.
Universe: I’ll take it from here. MURDER HORNETS
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 4, 2020
Me: If Coronavirus doesn’t kill me, I’m pretty sure homeschooling will
Murder Hornets: Bitch you thought
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) May 4, 2020
Me: “Quarantining is tough, but at least we have our own backyard to enjoy, so there’s that.”
Murder Hornets: pic.twitter.com/dmY2OdYK0m
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 4, 2020
6. OMG what’s next?
We need a distraction from covid-19
Us: Weird flex but okay
Media: Murder Hornets
Us: Wait, what??
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 4, 2020
7. This game SUCKS.
Oh, a new Twilight book is coming?
Well, who had THAT on their 2020 Hellscape Bingo after Murder Hornets?
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) May 4, 2020
8. Very unsatisfied.
Yes, hi, I ordered abdominal muscles and a boyfriend for 2020 but instead got a pandemic and murder hornets, can I speak to a manager?
— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) May 3, 2020
9. It’s come to this?
At this point in 2020 I’d be willing to accept a really good banana bread recipe from a murder hornet
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 3, 2020
10. *CACKLES IN DEITY*
I feel like god is using an end-of-the-world problem generator and just got “murder hornets”
— C.H.U.D.ney Spears (@chudneyspears) May 3, 2020
11. I don’t even want to know how this one ends.
[the year 2053]
ME (leaning back, chuckling): And then the murder hornets came
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 2, 2020
12. “Unprecedented murder hornets” indeed.
alternatives to “hope you’re doing well” you can use when emailing people:
“The apocalypse treating you ok?”
“How’s the sourdough culture coming along?”
“Hope you and your loved ones haven’t been stung by murder hornets during this time of unprecedented murder hornets”
— Vu Le (@NonprofitAF) May 6, 2020
Merry plagues, fam!
Not much to say anymore. Tune in next week for another episode of Whaddafuckishappeningnowwww.