You Might Be an A-Hole If...

You Might Be an A-Hole If…

People come in all shapes and sizes. By that I mean, everybody is unique and should be judged only by the content of their character. Since the dawn of time, people have been following some form of what we call “The Golden Rule.” From Taoism to Scientology, one of the major rules is, simply put, “don’t be an asshole.”

Of course, while what makes an asshole may vary from person to person, there are some common traits. Most of these traits are learned behaviors, passed down by generations of dickheads. They accumulate over time, and unless some brave soul is able to break the cycle, if your great-grandpappy was an asshole, chances are, you are too.

While 2020 has brought us no shortage of natural disasters, it has also managed to highlight the fact that we are being overrun by shitbags. Most of them are too far gone, with no chance of redemption, but you, well, you still may stand a chance. So to help reverse course, here is a list of things one does that makes them an asshole. To make it sting a little less, we’ll do it in Jeff Foxworthy style:

You might be an asshole if…

  1. You passive-aggressively shame people in your neighborhood Facebook group
  2. You berate a server for something being wrong with your food or drink
  3. Your first instinct when you see someone in need of help is to take your phone out and start recording
  4. You play keyboard commando with people you wouldn’t dare say a word to in real life
  5. You belittle other people’s occupations because they don’t require a college degree
  6. You take your shoes and socks off in an airplane
  7. You bring a child to a movie or play and decide not to take them outside when they start crying
  8. You create your own parking spot rather than using the space created for you with fucking bright yellow lines
  9. You walk on the left side of an aisle (this may be reversed in England and Australia)
  10. You drive less than the speed limit in the fast lane
  11. You litter and say things like “I’m basically giving someone a job”
  12. You call Karen “the K-word” and believe it is on the same level as any other ethic slur
  13. You yell or physically threaten anyone significantly younger or smaller than you
  14. You disregard the signs, and walk into a store without a mask, and proceed to get into an argument with everyone about your constitutional rights
  15. You’ve ever used the phrase “constitutional rights” outside of a legal setting
  16. You remain in a cult of ethnocentric, conspiracy spouting, assault rifle toting, racist, (possibly) inbred, gullible, hypocritical, intellectually challenged asswads who wouldn’t be given the time of day by their cult leader [deep breath in] long after he (or she) has been proven fraudulent

Thankfully, none of you fine people reading this fit any of these descriptions, but you might know someone who does. Do yourself a favor and post this on your neighborhood FB page so you don’t have to actually have a conversation with them. Don’t worry, they’ll get the point. They’re probably not smart enough to point out what a hypocrite you are for breaking rule numero uno.