By Lindsay Brown
From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/07/2020 12:18 pm
Subject: Coiler
Dear Doctor Wilmer,
I understand that it’s only been three hours since I left your office.
However, since your receptionists CONTINUE to tell me that “you’re busy” and will call me back, but you never do, my only recourse is email correspondence.
I wanted to go over Xavier’s most recent bowel movement with you. This thing was the size of his arm! It coiled around the bowl of the toilet, and I just don’t understand how his little rectum could have handled such a massive poopy passing. The worst part: no toilet paper to be found.
Attached are pictures of the fecal matter in question so you can perform a full analysis.
Questions:
1. Should I be worried?
2. Do you require a sample of said feces? I’ve already acquired a Tupperware and am awaiting further instruction.
Please reply as soon as possible.
Thank you,
Lindsay Brown
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From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/08/2020 5:03 am
Subject: Chin Hair
Dear Doc Wilmer,
Hello. Thank you for your speedy reply. I understand that all children poop, but you can’t tell me that this one wasn’t alarming. Either way, I’ve taken your advice and flushed it while making sure to speak with Xavier about the importance of wiping.
On a secondary note, I’ve found a one-inch long hair sprouting from my chin. First of all, it must have been there yesterday during our appointment. Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been walking all over town with this wiry pubic hair riding my face. How embarrassing.
More pressingly, however, could this be an indicator of some sort of hormonal imbalance?
Please respond at your earliest convenience.
Best,
Lindsay
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From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/08/2020 9:10 am
Subject: Please don’t patronize me
Doctor Wilmer,
I do not appreciate your sarcastic response to my questions. We live in Canada — the land of the free (healthcare), so who do you think is paying your wage, my friend? Yeah, that’s right, me, the taxpayer.
I simply was wondering if the hair on my chin might be indicative of something more pressing. Actually, I’ve found another long singular hair growing from the dead center of my nipple! So, clearly, something is going on, which brings me to my next question.
Could I possibly be pregnant? I’d like to book an immediate appointment for one of those fancy pregnancy blood tests. I’ve taken six pee tests so far, and they’ve all come up negative, so it’ll have to be the blood test.
My body is intuitive, and I can always tell when I’m pregnant (this must have something to do with the chin and nipple hair).
Look, I’m doing YOUR job now.
Promptly reply, please.
Lindsay Brown
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From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/08/2020 1:17 pm
Subject: Disappointed
Doctor,
HOW DARE YOU?! Sure I had my tubes tied six years ago, but have you not heard of miraculous pregnancy? I saw a TLC show once about that. Sometimes these things just happen. I’d like to think that you, a medical professional, would know about such things.
I’m beginning to really distrust your medical expertise.
Furthermore, I’m still concerned about this bowel movement of my 6-year-old son’s. There is no way that log can be “natural” as you put it. I keep looking at the sample I collected, and the more I stare at it, the more irregular it seems.
So, in addition to the blood test, I’d also like a fecal analysis done.
PS: I know I said I had flushed the poo, but I have a sixth sense about these things and made sure to keep a sample for this very reason.
L. Brown
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From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/08/2020 2:00 pm
Subject: Maybe I should just come down there?
Dear Doc,
I’m sorry to have gotten huffy. I’m just very concerned about the health of my family. I shouldn’t have CAPS yelled at you. That’s on me.
Maybe I’ll just come down and speak with you in person. When is a good time?
Best,
Linds
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From: L. Brown
To: Doc Wilmer ([email protected])
Sent: 06/08/2020 3:01 pm
Subject: Is common decency dead?
Clearly, you are tied up since you cannot take two minutes out of your day to email me back. That’s it, I’m on my way to the clinic right now.
L
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From: Doc Wilmer
To: L. Brown ([email protected])
Sent: 06/10/2020 9:00 am
Subject: Termination of Patient File
Dear Mrs. Brown,
We regret to inform you that we have been forced to terminate your client file here at the office of Lakeside Family Health Practice.
The emails were one thing, however coming to the practice and demanding that our nurses perform a full body scan with our “laser body scanner” to determine whether or not you have any ailments or are, in fact, pregnant? That was going overboard.
You should consider yourself lucky that we are not pressing charges. Shoving a container of fecal matter into the faces of our nurses and doctors is entirely unacceptable. We don’t even do that sort of testing here.
We take the health and wellness of our clients very seriously. Please accept our advice with your future health care providers and trust the expertise of medical professionals.
You will no longer be permitted on the property but may send a friend or family member to pick up your Tupperware container.
We wish you luck in your future health care endeavors.
The Office of Doctor Wilmer
Lakeside Family Health Practice
*****
About the Author
Lindsay Brown is a mother of two, wife of one and longtime lover of the written word. Her most recent work can be found at https://authorlindsaybrown.medium.com/