Ok, so 2020 has taught us that there are some REAL assholes out there doing REAL asshole things. But 2020 needs to check itself, because it did not invent assholery. In fact, people have been acting like this for years, right under our noses. In an attempt to bring us all together in a unified stance of side-eye, here is a list of those people. If you see yourself on the list, just Homer Simpson on outta here, and we’ll forget we ever met.
5 people that can go straight to hell
1) Cap Bandits
I’m not talking about kids here (even when they’ve been told 80 gazillion times). I’m talking about grown-ass adults who can’t seem to put a cap back on. How do you like your toothpaste? Spilling all over the counter, I guess. That’s a great glue-stick, can I use it? Oh, shit, it’s just a useless rock of purple nothing. Do you button your pants after going to the bathroom? Of course you do. Cover shit up when you’re done using it.
2) Lane Sheriffs
If there’s one constant in this world, it’s road construction. We can send a goddamned person to the moon, but we can’t develop a material that won’t crumble after a year of fluctuating temps and moderate traffic. So it’s inevitable that you’ll find yourself needing to merge due to a lane closure. It’s been scientifically proven that the zipper method is the most efficient way, yet some people think they need to merge 10 miles before the lane ends. I don’t care, sit in stop-and-go for the next 2 hours. But just because you are a dumbass, does not mean you need to block the open lane in order to prevent the rest of us from getting ahead of you. These may be the worst people on earth.
3)Toilet Paper Underers
Come on! It’s well documented that people who load the roll facing the WRONG direction are 100 times more likely to be a serial killer. Ok, maybe that documentation lacks veracity, but it’s just so blatantly wrong that you’re definitely a bad person if you do this. Sure, it’s not hard to flip that bitch around, but the emotional exhaustion of trying to figure out what kind of monster you might be living amongst is enough to take its toll.
4) Holiday Skippers
“Hey, it’s October 5th, guess we should start decorating for Christmas*” Just because the leaves are starting to fall, and your seasonal depression is peeking around the corner, does not mean it’s time to put out the giant inflatable snowman on your front lawn. Nor do you need to take Target selfies with a peppermint mocha, captioned with “Tis the season!” Meanwhile, I still have pumpkins to carve and turkeys to stuff. December 1st. That’s the date you may begin “getting in the spirit.” I know you’re trying to trick yourself into feeling happiness, but all you’re really doing is watering down what is otherwise a joyous time of the year for the rest of us.
*I’m sure there is an equivalent for these types of dickheads in other cultures as well
5) Public Conversationalists
It’s bad enough to have to hear someone having a loud phone conversation, but for that conversation to be on speakerphone so we have to hear the other asshole they’re talking to as well, no thanks. There is absolutely NO reason we should be privy to whatever bullshit you’re talking about with whatever poor sap has the displeasure of being your acquaintance. Are you trying to impress other people? They’re not impressed. Are you oblivious to other people’s existence? Probably. It’s always the same too. You hold the mouth part up to your lips when you talk, and then slightly cock your head and stare blankly when the person is responding. It’s just horrible to listen to AND look at. Nobody likes you, and if the person on the other end knew what you were up to, they’d hang up immediately, and NEVER talk to you again.
Unfortunately, you either know someone who fits in one or more of these categories, or you do YOURSELF. Hopefully it’s the former so you can simply remove them from your life. But if it’s you, I hope this serves as a wake up call. You have some serious changes to make if you hope to gain back some respect. If you made it this far, and didn’t get offended by a little humor, there’s hope for you yet.
Bonus Round- People who can’t take a joke
Yes, it’s 2020 and we all live in Wokeville, but that doesn’t mean we have to check our sense of humor at the door. There are legitimate things that are universally offensive, and the world of comedy probably needs to update its repertoire. That being said, intent matters. If someone means to be hurtful and offensive, then fuck ’em; cancel the shit out of them. But if someone says something offensive while trying to point out the ills of society (Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a good example of this kind of humor), try unclenching your pearls and sharing an uncomfortable laugh. If by chance they are truly naive to the nature of what they’re saying, take a shot at educating them so they can better their own sense of humor.