By Kelly Noonan
Making His First Snowball. Look at his little mittened hands shape that snow! Awwww. It took 45 minutes of chasing him around the house to get him into his snowsuit, gloves, mittens, and hat.
Building His First Snowman. Roll the classic three large snowballs and then realize you need accessories! Head back inside the house to find a carrot, ten buttons, and a scarf. It will take you, your husband, and a bribe of at least five M&Ms to get him to stop kicking so you can get him dressed to go out.
Sledding. Go into the basement to find the sled you bought him last year. Move around several mystery boxes and that broken couch you meant to bring to the dump last year while your son pulls things out of every box in the basement. Finally find the sled and drive twenty minutes to find the perfect sledding hill. Luckily your immediate family was visiting your house, or else you never would have had the manpower necessary to get him into his snowsuit!
Skating. Buy a portable ice skating rink from your local box store. Head home to your backyard, fill it with water, and wait for it to freeze. Find the toddler skates that your sister gave you from your nephew and realize they need to be sharpened. Drive to the nearest sports supplies store where the angriest man you’ve ever met will sharpen your skates. Go back home and finally go skating. Be glad that you finally figured out the key to this winter is to just never take your toddler out of his snow outfit.
Paint Some Snow. Mix one drop of food coloring for every cup of water, and pour the mixture into a spray bottle. Find a French Impressionist painting and recreate it using a projector and elaborate grid system to ensure authenticity. Take a photo and post it on Instagram, go viral, and take a trip to Los Angeles to make an appearance on the Ellen Show. Oh no! Your toddler has started to stink after wearing his snowsuit for a week straight. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. Make sure he takes a bath before he meets Ellen.
The Northern Lights. Painstakingly research Nordic travel adventure companies. Fly the entire family to Iceland, where you’ll then get on a cruise to all the best fjords and get to have a once in a lifetime experience sleeping under the Northern Lights. Decide to move to Norway for a year. I hope everyone in Norway is willing to pitch in on getting your son into his snow clothes! It takes a village and they’re into Democratic Socialism there, right?
Build An Ice Castle. Build, ice brick by ice brick, a reproduction of Elsa’s ice castle from Frozen. Have your toddler attend school from PreK-12th grade, study engineering in college, backpack across Europe for a year, and earn a Master’s of Engineering in Architectural Engineering, Specialty: Ice. Find some land with a decent amount of acreage and access to plenty of water sources so he can build his ice castle by hand. Have him build a house first, because this one is going to take a while! On the plus side, he finally has the skill set necessary to put on his snowsuit by himself! Awww.
About the Author
Kelly Noonan is a Salem, MA based humor writer and mother of a toddler. She’s contributed to Reductress, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, and Points in Case. You can find more of her writing at http://kellyrosenoonan.com and at @synaesthetist on Twitter.