Didn’t get enough of Disney’s Frozen in your life this past year? Just kidding, of course most of us wish we had the ability to time travel solely to prevent this nonsensical movie from ever being created. We have marveled at how little we can logically explain about this inexplicably popular film, but less often from a parental point of view. Here are five lingering questions about Frozen for discussion (as they have no answers).
1. Who took over after Elsa and Anna’s parents died?
You have to presume that someone wicked was left in charge of this kingdom considering these two girls were locked up for long enough to become two totally different types of sociopaths. And yet the kingdom seemed to thrive under this mystery guardian’s rule, leading me to believe he probably just hated kids – let alone weird magical ones who communicate by song through keyholes. My money is on the eccentric guy in the Cardinal hat from coronation day. Someone call up Disney, because there’s definitely another story here to be told.
2. Why was Kristoff raised by rock trolls?
The opening ice-slinging montage, which has no bearing on the story overall and actually made me wonder if I had rented the right movie, presumably shows how good guy Kristoff got into the family ice biz. Are we to assume his father died a horrible death at the claws of a polar bear or by accidental drowning during these ice scavenging expeditions? Were times so hard that a tiny tot had to give up his childhood in favor of harvesting ice under merciless conditions? Regardless, I am beginning to think this Scandinavian burgh had at least a 60% parental mortality rate. Thankfully at least there was a rock troll orphanage nearby.
3. On what planet would you entrust your daughter’s health and memories to rock trolls?
Look, the rock troll captain – Gargamel or whatever – seems like an okay dude, even if he suspiciously knows just a little too much about how Elsa’s magic works. When he said he would remove Anna’s memories of Elsa’s magic but leave the “fun,” you secretly thank him for giving her at least some happy memories to live with. After all, over the next desolate decade she was stuck getting systematically rejected by her sister, who seemed to be the only other living person in that castle, while having conversations with paintings of historical crazy bitches (yes, Disney, we picked up on your thinly veiled reference that Joan of Arc was another misunderstood, teenage misanthrope with superpowers). But when Anna was mortally wounded – and as a parent I get that this would be the most desperate of situations – I’m still not sure you would ask a rock troll to heal her body and lobotomize her mind all the while giving him permission to tinker with the “fun” levels while he’s in there.
4. Can we just talk about Anna falling for Hans for a minute?
No, I’m not talking about how our favorite little hermit seemingly falls passionately in love with some dude on the first day and immediately wants to get married. Hell, I get it: she’s had zero human companionship and the first guy she meets acts totally into her and has a cute horse. But have we considered the fact that she’s probably only fifteen or sixteen years old? Elsa becomes a queen as a super stuffy, newly minted 18-year old whose gloves are the only thing protecting Arendelle from permanent winter. That means Anna is not only younger physically but also has the emotional maturity of Mowgli from The Jungle Book. A psychologically stunted, rock troll-tampered, reclusive fifteen year old should not be getting engaged. The fact they met that day is the least worrisome issue here.
5. What’s with Elsa’s makeover?
When young ladies come of age, we hope that they embrace their newfound freedom with grace and dignity. We do not wish for them to don a form-fitting pageant gown, slap on loads of fuchsia makeup, and boldly strut around in impractical high heels in sparsely decorated ice palaces. Does she think she’s a Kardashian? Thankfully Elsa created herself a giant, amorphous snow monster as a bodyguard, though even he probably can’t keep horny teenage boys away from a long-imprisoned blonde tartlet with a thing for satin gloves. What that girl needs to guard her frozen fortress is a doting daddy with an ice axe (or whatever genre-appropriate weapon would thwart would-be defilers).
If you think you’re sick of “Let It Go” after one year, let’s see how you feel after ten. Because despite all its fantastical foibles, extraneous songs, and gross plot discrepancies, Frozen will probably remain the most popular animated film of all time…along with whatever sequels will be released. May the heavens help us all then.[/nextpage]