Dear Pinterest Mom,
As we approach Valentine’s Day, I just need to level with you… we all secretly hate you.
You look forward to this holiday for at least a month. You carefully plan what amazing homemade Valentines you are going to make. Is it the pun-ny hand painted cards with the cute toy? Is it the individualized cards to go with the full-sized candy bars?
I don’t mean to be rude, but can you please take your overachieving ass back to Target and stop flaunting your perfection at every school function and family gathering? Most of us moms are happy for one-day Amazon Prime shipping. Because who has time to remember these stupid Hallmark holidays…as we hastily scribble our kid’s name on 25 valentines with our left hand while we drink a glass of wine at 11pm the night before. No. One. Will. Suspect. Anything. And our kids will not be ostracized for purchasing the WalMart special box-o-cards. Maybe we would have even bought candy to stick on them with tape. But nope, you have taken that from us with your fancy cards, glitter, and personalized Cricut bullshit.
And don’t even get me started on Christmas and that damn Elf on the Shelf. Thank you for all of your Facebook posts about your cheeky elf who has played in the flour, and redecorated the kitchen, and had time to knit a sweater. Honestly, most of us are just happy our elf “remembers” to move every night. And sometimes he doesn’t because Mom doesn’t remember. And then we have to have that “talk” with our kids about how maybe our elf is not as cool as Ashton’s Elf, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love us and know us. Thanks.
Speaking of Christmas, can we talk about wrapping paper for a hot minute? Thank you for your amazingly-wrapped gifts in the expensive buffalo check paper with the fancy ornate bow made out of organic home-spun-in-Indonesia ribbon. Please excuse my crumpled re-used gift bag. The generic candle and bottle of wine will no doubt compare with your thoughtful Coach purse and personalized tee-shirt with the cute phrase that “just you and I share” that you spent hours and hours on. I will have a glass of wine in that cute tee and toast to your creativeness.
And let’s not mention Fourth of July and the matching family tee-shirts and flags…that you made by hand with your sewing machine and sunny personality. I am sure Betsy Ross thanks you for your hard work. We are lucky that we escaped going to the emergency room with second degree sunburns or accidentally setting the neighbor’s tree on fire with a sparkler. But you know what? You keep posting those pictures to remind us all how perfect you are.
Oh, St. Patrick’s Day is a thing now? Thank you for letting me know with your delicious-looking homemade Irish stew dinner and green beer with a fancy Shamrock traced into the foam. Gotcha. I will make sure to grab some Shamrock shakes on my way home from work.
Finally, and here’s the icing on the cake, both literally and figuratively. What is with the birthday party and the extravagant decorations? My kid loved the festive themed pinata, the party favors that cost more than your kid’s gift itself, and the elaborate venue. We had a blast! Sorry we had to jet early because the cake/cupcake/ice cream/pinata sugar combo has made my kid an absolute terror. Thanks for the invite! So excited to plan my kid’s Paw Patrol party next month. It is still cool, right? Because I have all the plates and decorations and I can re-use the candle on the cake from my kid’s birthday last year. Got this! Going to be EPIC!
Look, I have nothing against you personally. I just need to be honest. Most of us moms are barely holding our shit together. Just tone it down a bit so we don’t look like such hot messes, m’kay? Thanks! Love you! Mwah mwah!
Sincerely,
Average Mom
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About the Author
Kathleen H. is a teacher, editor, and freelance writer. She has three boys: one who is five, one who is six, and a husband. In her spare time she likes to write, read, and travel.