By Courtney Stackhouse
6:00 am Wake up and cry for “juice in your juice cup” until someone, anyone gets up and gets it for you.
6:10-7:00 Crawl into bed with your exhausted parents and watch “paper doll videos” on YouTube on dad’s phone. Make sure you don’t want any of the ones that come on. Request “Elsa having a baby paper dolls” until your sleeping mother reaches over and somehow finds it for you.
7:00-7:30 Get dressed “I do it mine self” style. Make sure to get your head stuck and scream until someone tries to help you… but don’t you dare actually let them help you.
7:30 – 8:30 “Neckflitz” and “Bweckfitz,” aka eat waffles in living room. Make sure to get syrup in hair – so much that it sticks to your face and dries there. Cover your hands with syrup too, please. Be sure to touch every surface. You are not done until both of your sticky little hands are covered in dust bunnies and dog hair.
8:30 – 9:00 Have an accident on the floor. Splash in it. Don’t tell anyone.
9:00-10:00 Playtime with Mom! Insist that she plays “grocery store” with you. Yell super loudly at her when she asks for an imaginary apple. Make sure she knows you DON’T have imaginary apples, you only have imaginary grapes. Repeat process for imaginary ice cream flavors…and with every other fake food she asks for. Never give in.
10:00- 11:30 “Free Play,” aka take every bucket of toys that your mom just picked up and dump them out. Make sure to shove the germiest ones directly into your baby sister’s mouth. Don’t forget to leave all of your tiny Barbie shoes and fairy accessories within her reach. Complain that it’s soooo messy and there’s nothing to play with.
11:30 Cry hysterically because you want to put Clorox wipes in your mouth and your mom won’t let you touch them. Make sure to scream, “I want chemicals!!!” while bashing your head into the sofa.
11:45 Put stickers on everything.
11:50 Unroll your family’s 3rd to last roll of toilet paper. Drag it through mystery puddle.
12:00 Repeat “I’m hungahree” over and over and over until someone delivers a bowl of perfectly cooked Ramen noodles garnished with a single ice cube. Make sure to eat it immediately even though you were told they were too hot. Cry about it.
12:10 Steal more food from the fridge. Leave wrappers and strawberry “green things” on floor. Say, “Can you get me a popsicle, Mama?” a million times in a row. Do not take no for an answer.
12:20 Drag a chair across the floor and climb up to the cabinets to search for fruit snacks. Make sure your mom is occupied with the baby first so you can *really* get in there. If you can’t reach the fruit snacks, just unpeel all of the bananas. Smoosh then into the carpet.
12:25 Open Band-Aids for no reason.
12:30-1:30 Refuse to nap. Say, “I not wanna sweep! I wanna stay up late!” over and over. Make sure to remind your mom that the sun is out!
1:35 Fall asleep on the couch.
1:45 Wake up when your mom transfers you to your bed. Demand more snacks.
2:00 Fall asleep again.
2:45 Wake up. Quickly wake up your sister by yelling in her ear, “MOM!!! MY SISTAH STILL SWEEPIN!!!!!”
3:00 Cry with your now fully awake sister. Cry until everyone is crying – including Mom.
3:10-3:30 Quietly get into Mom’s makeup. Make sure lipstick is the reddest of reds and the eyeshadow the bluest of blues. Get that shiz everywhere. Do not stop until your whole face (and hands and body) is chaos.
3:30-4:00 “Help clean” by using every precious little baby wipe to “scrub” the walls, the couch, the dog. Knock over everything with the broom. Ask to have a turn with the vacuum at LEAST 67 times. Finally get a turn. Say, “I all done” immediately.
4:00-6:00 Nobody knows what’s happening.
6:00-7:00 Gourmet meal surrounded by your loved ones.
7:00-8:00 Knock over folded laundry. Try to climb in laundry basket but fall over and bump head. Cry.
8:00 Bath time. Hear your parents loud and clear when they say not to splash. Splash anyway. Hear them say “no splashing” again. Look them in the eyes and splash ONE more time so they really know who’s boss.
8:15 “Brush teeth,” aka suck all of the toothpaste off of the brush and then run away.
8:30 Read stories with Dad. When he’s done reading the ones you picked, request more. Cry. Read. Whine. Read. Repeat for approximately one hour.
9:30 Get out of bed, knock on your bedroom door and say, “I’m hungahree.” When no one responds, freak the eff out and POUND on that thing until someone delivers you a clementine or goldfish and puts you back in bed. Repeat with “I’m thirsteeeee!”
9:45 Scream, “I not sleeping!!!”
9:47 Fall asleep.
About the Author
Courtney Stackhouse is a teacher turned stay-at-home mama with a passion for words and a burning desire for breakfast food. She’s an INFJ, an ambivert at heart, she has no idea what her enneagram is but she has a knack for makin’ snacks. You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram @finnyandharlow, or check out her blog Creating Calm Amidst Chaos @wordpress.