By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Score one for nostalgia, because Netflix is bringing back Teddy Ruxpin, and we can’t decide whether we’re super pumped or scared shitless. The popular streaming company made the announcement late Sunday night in a press release that got Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and even a resurrected Xanga account buzzing with anticipation.
“We are excited to announce our plans to begin filming a live-action original series based on the character of Teddy Ruxpin, The Storytelling Bear,” stated Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “We’ve had tons of success with reboots and revivals lately, so when producer Oliver A. Dees came to us with the idea, we immediately approved it. There’s a huge demand right now for shows that allow our adult viewers to revisit their childhoods. Maybe it’s nostalgia; maybe it’s mid-life crises. Whatever the case, you can bet your ass our producers are going to capitalize on it.”
The announcement came just in time, as Netflix ratings have taken a recent hit due to the company’s latest subscription price increase of .00024 cents per month. Hastings said that since the news about Teddy Ruxpin was leaked just a few days ago, the backlash about the price bump has noticeably dissipated.
“We’ve seen a marked increase in subscription renewal rates already,” he said. “Our approval ratings are way up. Parents can’t wait to introduce their own kids to that furry little nightmare fodder. This could be our greatest success since Stranger Things.”
Indeed, Teddy Ruxpin’s eerie intrigue just might rival that of a baby Demogorgon. For those unfamiliar with the once-popular teddy bear—or those who’ve buried any memory of that disturbing motherfucker deep within their subconscious minds—here’s a quick rundown: Teddy Ruxpin was a battery-operated talking teddy popular in the mid to late 80s that could ask questions, read stories, and open and close his mouth in a manner similar to a lobotomized goldfish. The bear is probably best remembered for his haunting commercials and unsettling slow blinking.
The new Netflix series, aptly titled The Teddy Ruxpin Show, will feature an authentic Teddy Ruxpin bear as well as a star-studded human cast, including Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, and a shit-ton of other super likable Jennifers. Emma Stone is rumored to be up for the role of Ruxpin’s love interest, but only if she agrees to go by her middle name, Jean. She would also be required to drop the “a” and add a “-nifer.”
Producer Dees told us that securing an original Teddy Ruxpin bear was no easy feat. Luckily, the show was allotted a reasonable 1.2-billion-dollar budget, one billion of which went toward the purchase of the toy itself. Dees said once the show was approved, he immediately hopped on Craigslist, identified a bear in acceptable condition, and contacted the seller. In addition to the one billion dollars, Dees said he paid the seller—who chooses to remain anonymous—a 6-pack of Keystone Light, a jar of coconut oil, a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos, and an unwashed pair of his wife’s panties. Dees told us the exchange took place in the seller’s mother’s basement.
While Netflix is not revealing any plot details at this time, we can guess that The Teddy Ruxpin Show will likely expand on the iconic 80s commercial, so viewers can expect at least one episode to take place in a classroom setting, kids who look like they stepped off the set of Children of the Corn, a cryptic repetition of ‘Can you and I be friends?’ and lots of that creepy-as-fuck blinking. We’ve also heard rumors that New Kids on the Block will be recording an original song titled “Batteries Not Included” for the show’s premiere episode.
Production is set to be wrapped up by mid-August, with a tentative air date of September 9th, also known as “National Teddy Bear Day.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.