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The Perfect Lipstick Shade According to Beauty Experts? Your Nipple Color

The internet’s beauty experts have outdone themselves this time. They are now suggesting we look within to find our best lip color–within our bras, that is.

A segment aired on The Doctors TV Show telling women that their most flattering lip shade should be one that matches their nipples. Now, I know you all want to whip out your boobies for a minute and examine them.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

So what did you find? Are you a taupe? A light brown? A mauve? Personally, my perfect lip shade is pink, hairy, and points downward toward my toes, according to this logic.

Maybe I should trust the so-called experts and see if Cover Girl carries an “Areola Sparkle Gloss” (or Areola Sparkle Matte for night-time, obviously). But before I shut my pie hole and dutifully spend more money on the internet’s latest fad makeup trend, I have a few questions:

Will my “nipstick” go out of style next week when the beauty gurus decide I need to use my labia as a color swatch instead?

And should I invest in an eyeliner as black as my soul when I take a look “under the hood” and realize my lady bits are somehow farther south than they used to be?

Are men also required to match their outfits to their privates? If so, will they be donning ballsack-colored bowties or sphincter-shaded sunglasses?

When we get pregnant, are we meant to use extra lip-liner around the perimeter so as to coordinate our mouths with our newly saucer-sized areolae?

My nipples darken when I’m cold. Does this mean I should purchase a separate product for my upcoming trip to Canada?

And who invented red lipstick? Did they have some sort of contagious skin disease? I need answers.

I’m sure there is some segment of the population who finds this new information helpful in their makeup routine, but for me, it just adds to the list of personal grooming rituals at which I’m already failing, thanks to motherhood.

But on the plus side, breastfeeding has rendered my boobs long and floppy, so at least I’m able to scoop my nipples up and place them right next to my face to get a good idea of how Areola Sparkle Gloss Nipstick will look if I ever remember to pick some up at CVS.