The year was 1995. I was a sophomore in high school, doing my best to turn my freckled face into something presentable for the winter formal. My go-to cosmetics? Green Wet-N-Wild eyeliner, peach blush, and hideous brown lipstick.
Looking back at the photos of myself from 1995, I cringe a little bit. My eyebrows were comically thin, and my lips were lined in such a way that I resembled an hombre butthole. Instead of rocking a cute pink pout, I decided to line my kisser with what appeared to be a chocolate Mr. Sketch marker.
In 1995, I was a sphincter-face.
Just when I thought I could leave that awful style within the pages of my sophomore yearbook, never to be remembered, this came across my Instagram feed:
Ravishing British girl-band member, Jesy Nelson, has decided to bring sphincter-face back in fashion.
Now, you may be wondering why on earth I follow a 25-year-old popstar’s Instagram account. Fair question. My reason is that I’ve seen too many middle-aged women who never updated their high school style and instead remained in a rut as adults. You know what I’m talking about:
It’s the 50-something who sports puffy sleeves and a mullet because that’s what she wore in her prime.
It’s the class of 1988’s prom queen who squeezes her flat ass into old acid washed jeans, just because they still fit.
It’s your mom’s realtor friend who teases her hair as if she were starring in an Aqua Net commercial.
I never wanted to be one of those women, so I decided to pepper my Insta-feed with various starlets in the hopes that I’d avoid getting stuck in my high school style. That is, until Jesy Nelson threw it back to the 1990s.
As it turns out, Jesy is not alone. All the young starlets are painting their mouths into poop chutes:
Brown lipstick is everywhere, but it is one trend I won’t be embracing.
Someday these youthful beauties will realize that sphincter-face is not a good look.
It was never a good look.
Trust me on this one. I’m old and I have lived to tell the tale. Sphincter-face may just be the most cringeworthy thing I’ve ever done in the name of style. Well, besides being a 36-year-old woman who follows young starlets on Instagram.