By Nancy Fulkerson of Real Time Mom
Pregnancy is hell. Well, not really, but some people you come into contact with will be. Let me explain by going back in time to 2012 when I was newly married and fancy free.
I had just planned a honeymoon trip to Costa Rica and was excited to tell some coworkers about it. My husband and I were looking to travel throughout the country and decided to rent a car to help make the most of our Central American adventure.
This person I wasn’t even talking to decided to chime in and say, “Oh, I used to live in Costa Rica. You’re going to hate driving there.”
Um…. way to kill my vibe, betch.
Unfortunately, this woman’s comment, right here, is what pregnancy is like. There are people you will meet, or have already met, along your pregnancy journey who will want to bring you down a notch and enjoy watching you squirm while doing so.
These offenders are rude, crude, and strike when you least expect it. They are the five people you will most likely meet in pregnancy hell.
1. THE TIMER
The Timer is that person who’s known for saying, “Just wait until….” and then follows the statement with some problem you may face during or after your pregnancy. These sly comments usually occur while you’re minding your own business, just trying to live your pregnant life.
Here’s an example of what happened to me while heating up a Lean Cuisine during my lunch break:
“How are you feeling? Tired? Just wait until you have a baby!”
“Just wait until salt makes your ankles swell up.”
“Just wait until tomato sauce gives you heartburn.”
What about you just wait until I punch you in the face because I have thirty minutes to eat my damn meal and can’t even with you right now!
By the way, I was exhausted. My ankles did swell, and I had terrible heartburn. But, surprise! I survived, and so will you.
2. THE OLYMPIAN
Hey, have you heard? Babies are hard work! If you’re unaware, don’t worry, The Olympian will let you know.
This champion of an individual must remind you that it’s really tough to take care of a child, like they deserve a gold medal for being amongst the hundreds of millions of people who have done so.
The Olympian is usually a new parent who wants you to think what they do is absolutely impossible.
Stay away from this individual. They will only bring you undue harm.
3. THE IRISHER
The Irisher is the “Good luck with that!” person. Usually, The Irisher will attack when you’re talking about something that excites you about being a first time mom.
For example, throughout my pregnancy, I bought tons of super stylish outfits for my baby boy. It’s hard not to. The Irisher would probably say, “Good luck with that…they’ll be covered in explosive diarrhea within 30 minutes.”
And, you know what, they probably will, but at least my baby will look freaking awesome while being dirty AF.
4. THE DUMBBELL
I call this person The Dumbbell because they are obsessed with how much weight you’ve gained. Get it? Dumbbell? Dumbbells are weights. I know…. but we can all agree that The Dumbbell is the most likely to make you cry.
I gained 65 pounds during my pregnancy. I was using that Eat, Pray, Love philosophy of “no carb left behind.” It’s fun, until this terrible person reminds you that you probably look like a whale when they ask you how much weight you’ve gained.
This question would never happen in the real world, but in pregnancy world, your body is seemingly owned by others.
Usually, The Dumbbell happens to be an elderly person, so just run away from them because even though you’ve gained weight, you still move faster than they can.
5. THE TRACKER
“How much further do you have to go? You look like you’re ready to pop!”
“Have you had that baby yet?”
Thanks for keeping track of my pregnancy, but I have an app for that!
The Tracker is probably the most annoying person you’ve ever met because they are a constant reminder that you’re either months away from your due date or that your baby has decided to show up late.
This perpetrator is commonly an older male who has a book of terrible “jokes” they like to reuse in the checkout line of the grocery store.
The best example of The Tracker comes from an awful story my hairdresser told me about his friend who had a random man literally push her protruding belly button and say, “The baby is almost ready.” Just gross!
I honestly don’t know what to do with this person, so if you have any ideas, let us know.
SO HOW DO THESE FIVE OBNOXIOUS, DREADFUL, AND DOWNRIGHT SOULLESS PEOPLE CONNECT TO MY TRIP TO COSTA RICA?
Our honeymoon was the best. We journeyed throughout five different cities, had new and exciting experiences, made mistakes, and had lots of laughs while doing it.
That’s what being a first-time parent is all about. So enjoy the ride. In your OWN car.
This post was originally published on Real Time Mom.
About the Author
Hi, I’m Nancy Fulkerson, a certified teacher turned full-time stay at home mom blogger and owner of Real Time Mom. I write for the mom who loves the modern nuisances of parenting in today’s world, while, at the same time, hating those nuisances too.