Summer is a time of fun. Of adventure. Of chafed body parts as your skin tries to slough itself off in the beads of sweat because OMFG WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HEAT.
I know for myself personally, I only have 2 speeds. Bitching that it isn’t summer yet, and bitching that it is because, again, THIS HEAT THOUGH.
There’s nothing like a season that requires you to eat popsicles to your heart’s delight before you gently drape yourself across the bed, naked and spread eagle so that a fan can direct its soothing whir at your sweaty, angry taint. Yeah, baby!
Now, if you live in a place with hot summers, you know there are pros and cons. If you’re all about that outdoorsy shit, the heat means that you can be outside with minimal layers, enjoying all that nature has to offer. However, the cons include sweating, chafing, frizzing, complaining, swamp ass and all that other fun stuff that comes along with the heat. It’s all fun and games until you open your door to the outside world and it feels like you’re getting slapped in the face with Satan’s ballsack.
But never fear, at least you’re not alone! When we sweat, we sweat together. Misery loves company, and we are all melting in this heat like a collection of Hot Topic candles, burning on an emo teen’s nightstand.
Here’s what the funny people of Twitter had to say about this Godforsaken heat!
1. The heatwave lethargy struggle is very real.
9: I’m bored!
Me: Let’s go to the park.
9: It’s too hot for that.
Me: Want to go to the zoo?
9: I sweat too much there.
Me: Water park with the water slides?
9: That place burns my feet.
Me: [pushes her head into the freezer]
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 29, 2018
2. Oh hey, there’s a name for my entire summer vibe. Neat!
Being sweaty and angry.
“I was so swangry after changing the kid’s car seat.”
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) July 11, 2018
3. Such a relief, though.
It's so hot I microwaved my head just to cool down a little.
— Jocelyn Plums (@ColoradoUgly) July 19, 2013
4. Look man, we don’t ask for much. Just an exactly precise range of optimally comfortable temperatures.
[winter, with the heat on]
Wife: It’s freezing in here.[summer, with the air conditioning on]
Wife: It’s freezing in here.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 20, 2019
5. I feel attacked. And swassy.
Well I hope all of you people who just couldn’t WAAAIIITTT for summer are happy now. With your under eye sweat and your boob sweat and your swamp ass.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) May 26, 2019
6. I want to be happy, but it seems like a lot of work.
Me: It's so hot…
Crowd: (in unison) How hot is it?!
Me: …that I'm sad.
— Kevin McCaffrey (@KevinMcCaff) July 19, 2013
7. That last one is a kicker, though.
four worst things about summer:
1) boob sweat
2) ass sweat
3) hairline sweat
4) just-got-out-of-the-shower why am i even sweaty sweat
— megan (@ohitsLITtlehale) June 12, 2017
8. I don’t make the rules, but they exist.
husband: omg why is the power bill $1000?
me: I can either love your children or be hot. I can't do both.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) July 18, 2018
9. Peak hot girl mode.
I've never been one of the cool kids, but I have lifted my titties in front of a fan going full blast in the heat of summer so, same
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) April 15, 2019
10. I was in damp agony, ok?
I’m sorry for what I said when I had ungodly amounts of boob sweat.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) July 6, 2019
11. Somebody has got some MAJOR explaining to do.
Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties
— Ty (@TylerChapman_) July 1, 2017
12. This is too real. And surprisingly refreshing!
It's – clean your armpits with baby wipes at your son's baseball game – degrees out.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) July 10, 2016
So the next time you are standing in front of your freezer, letting the cool air circulate around your exhausted and clammy midsection, just take comfort in the fact that one day it will be the depth of winter, where you can start bitching about longing for summer again.