By Samantha Labriola of Mother Haggard
The first support group meeting for people who hate wearing shorts in summer took place last week to an astounding turnout, filling the St. Ignatius Church basement hall to near capacity.
“You can still enjoy summer and the hot weather even if you don’t like wearing shorts,” insisted Joanna Albertson, the group’s leader. “There are plenty of other alternatives out there. Sundresses. Skirts. Capris. And I really can’t stress enough the importance of a good pair of under-dress bike shorts.”
Several agenda topics were discussed at the meeting, including body positivity, thigh ventilation techniques, and chafing prevention. A communal brainstorming session also took place, with members searching for witty answers to strangers asking, “Aren’t you hot?” when you are clearly effing hot because you’re wearing skinny jeans at a barbecue in August.
“It’s not about looks or vanity, okay? It’s about COMFORT. Shorts are either riding up into an endless wedgie or they’re rubbing in all the wrong ways. They’re either way too short or awkwardly long. You can’t win with shorts. Shorts are bullshit, is basically what we’re saying,” explained one heated member.
The group momentarily started a “Shorts are Bullshit” chant, but petered out after a few minutes when a sundress sale at Target was mentioned.
It is Albertson’s hope that the group will provide emotional support for those who have had an unpleasant experience in shorts.
“This is a judgement-free zone,” she declared. “A place where people can speak freely and won’t hear any talk of ‘chub rub’ or ‘thunder thighs.’ We love your thighs here, even if your cut-off shorts don’t.”
One brave woman, who wished to remain anonymous, shared her story.
“Last summer, my family wanted to go for a hike. It was a really hot day, and I was wearing a pair of jean shorts, but I decided to go for it anyway. Five minutes in, the chafing begins. I’m feeling the burn and it’s bad. I try walking differently so my legs don’t rub together as much, but I mean, how wide of a stance can you walk in before it looks like you’re riding an invisible freaking horse? The rash….” She trailed off, absently rubbing her thighs before taking a ragged breath.
“It spread so quickly. I tried slathering sunscreen on my inner thighs but it didn’t help. Nothing did. The burning…oh, so much burning. And then my five-year-old wanted a piggyback ride…I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this yet.”
The distressing tale was met with a chorus of comforting murmurs and nods.
“Oh honey, we’ve all been there,” one member acknowledged. “It’s not easy. Especially when piggybacking.”
“Denim’s a top offender,” offered another, shaking her head. “Just a real shit fabric.”
“Cornstarch powder, my friend,” consoled Albertson, passing over an introductory bottle. “Cornstarch powder.”
The meeting concluded with a quick style session, where members offered tips on ways to remain fashionable even with a rampant case of swamp ass and a brief debate over rompers and jumpsuits: yay or nay, with most members voting in favor of harem pants.
Next week’s meeting will focus primarily on how to get an Instagram Story to scream “SUMMER LIVING!” even when you’re wearing black leggings on the beach during the most humid July on record. The group is also committed to working on their side project, an underground fashion movement that will bring culottes back into favor for the under-65 crowd.
Meetings will continue until the fall, and will culminate with an autumnal celebration of seasonally appropriate outfits and a ritual burning of the disgusting, sweat-soaked bike shorts that just barely survived the August trip to Disney with the kids.
All are welcome to participate.
About the Author
Samantha Labriola is a Toronto writer, mother, and Sweet Valley High enthusiast. She’s the Hag behind the humor and satire-filled mom blog, Mother Haggard, and can also be found on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.