This moment is for us, and although I want to stuff it all inside my mouth at once, I pace myself and wait.
MockMom

So Thankful to Deepthroat This Turkey

Well, it’s Thansgiving again, and although this has been the year from hell, I can tell you with complete and total sincerity that there is still one thing left that I’m grateful for – the opportunity to deepthroat this turkey.

Sure, my sanity blew out the window back in March when I was thrust into the role of teacher to my tiny little terrors, but who needs sanity when you’re staring at a plate full of steaming hot bird tits just fucking swimming in gravy?

We’ve all felt the strain of 2020, most keenly when gazing through the empty toilet paper aisles at the store. However, while the rest of the population was filling their pantries with asswipe, I was carefully stashing a plump frozen turkey into my freezer, fantasizing about the day I’d be stashing it inside me.

Sure, I haven’t worked for about 8 months, and all my social hobbies have been replaced with sobbing while reading the news and fact-checking memes, but it’s ok, we’ll all be ok – as long as I have something to look forward to to distract me from the crushing reality of what is happening in the world. And for me, the vision of long legs, dripping in oil and secreting juices that taste like the sweet nectar of the agricultural gods is literally the only thing keeping me going. I just want to see my reflection in the glistening skin of this creature as it sizzles and crackles with fiery passion. I wonder: Does it feel the same way for me too?

As my bank account dwindles, so too does my sex drive. My husband made the mistake of brushing fingers with me whilst passing the remote and I hollered “NO” so loud that the neighbors called the police. When the masked officer came to the door, I gently explained that I was too tired from the weight of new restrictions to even consider the possibility of getting under the weight of my husband. But when it comes to this turkey, I wanna jam it so far down my throat hole that my synapses collapse, drowning in serotonin just like my potatoes drown in dripping hot bird juice.

Although the pandemic may not be finished bending us over, I manage to keep my spirits high by remembering that I’m keeping myself pure for this turkey. They say to find gratitude in even the smallest places, and for me, that small place is the cavity in which I gleefully shove spiced bread, as my anticipation peaks for this alluring feast.

My family cowers in the other room with peanut butter and jam sandwiches, frightened by all the moaning and slurping. This moment is private. A sacred coming-together of 2 wild beasts. My mouth opens wide and I devour this turkey like a lover devours the intimate musings of their partner.

This moment is for us, and although I want to stuff it all inside my mouth at once, I pace myself and wait. After all, we’re fresh out of toilet paper.