by Topher Paul
WHEATVILLE, MI- In these unprecedented times, it takes true innovation to navigate the seas of uncertainty. This is exactly what a small school district in southeast Michigan is attempting to do.
Like many districts across the country, Wheatville Public Schools has struggled to implement a truly engaging synchronous learning platform for its students. After the state chose to move to remote learning for all 9-12 students, Wheatville witnessed a significant drop in participation.
Additionally, the school district has suffered from an insurmountable number of teacher retirements, which, coupled with the statewide substitute teacher shortage, has left them with limited resources to provide instruction to students.
Furthermore, many of the current teachers are struggling with utilizing the available technology to adequately reach their students in a meaningful way. Most teachers are reporting a decrease in class attendance and an increase of muted mics and cameras throughout the duration of the class.
“One time, I unmuted everyone’s microphone on accident, and was overcome by the cacophony of snores,” said Rita Jenkins, a 10th grade math teacher.
“I might as well be teaching Dickens to troglodytes,” chortled Hugo Fitzgerald, a senior English teacher and former professor of classic literature at the local community college.
The problems seemed to be piling up for Wheatville, and it was obvious that something needed to be done. This is where Troy Browning, district superintendent of schools, developed a brilliant, yet controversial solution to the problem.
“Cam girls,” Browning said.
Those two simple words raised a host of questions, but it was not Browning who would provide the answers. Instead, he called his newly appointed Deputy of Alternative Curriculum and Monetization, Dexter Coxworth, to the mic.
“I’d like to start by thanking Mr. Browning for thinking outside the proverbial box on this one. What experience I lack in the world of education, I more than make up for in the world of flesh peddling,” Coxworth said.
He continued to explain the plan in an elaborate, yet less-than-professional way. Basically, all vacant 9-12 teaching positions would be assigned to top earning candidates. The girls, who have extensive experience in engaging audiences, would have to be put through a 2 week bootcamp dealing with educational pedagogy and curriculum instruction. After that, the classes would go live.
“Of course we’ll have to deal with certain issues, such as dress code and solicitation, but we feel that it’s time to move past the puritanical modes of teaching and move into the 21st century,” Browning stated.
“What better way to learn about the algebraic concepts of x and y than with a little bit of T and A?” added Coxworth.
This plan aims to save the district hundreds of thousands of dollars, as the girls would be contract workers who are paid in tips using a digital currency called CoxBux, developed by Coxworth. After-hours tutoring will also be available to all students as well, for an additional fee.
Under normal circumstances, parents would be in an uproar, flooding school board meetings and organizing protests on the Wheatville Moms Facebook page. It appears, though, as if even the most involved helicopter moms have simply lost the will and are willing to let anything fly in order to help their sweet Landons learn.
It’s uncertain if Browning’s plan will be effective, but it is certainly raising eyebrows around the country. Yesterday, the spokesperson for The Stafford Academy, a charter school just outside of Omaha, Nebraska, announced that they would be providing remote instruction to all k-8 students via Twitch.
“The students already know the platform, as they spend hours each day watching other people play video games. Why not take advantage of this completely idiotic trend?”
Only time will tell if this plan will be a rousing success or epic failure, but the ingenuity displayed by this otherwise unassuming school district will certainly go down in history as the most 2020 thing to happen, which is saying a lot.