The modern world is a carnival of technological marvels. Which is great, considering the fact that the “new normal” is gonna rely heavily on technology for keeping us social, employed, and informed. However, the downside is that all that activity can be tracked, held, and used against you should someone get their hands on the list of all that weird shit you’ve been looking up.
While it’s wonderful that we can have such a wealth of information at our fingertips, it can be a mixed blessing when your visiting mother-in-law can stumble upon the fact that you looked up “chloroform,” “best clit vibrators,” and “do alligators have spleens” all in the same day. *shameface*
So although we have the ability to learn and look up practically anything, the question is are we using this power wisely? Or are we simply creating a paper trail that makes us look like sex-crazed sadistic maniacs with murderous tendencies and a deep thirst for all things strange?
And the most important question is… who’s gonna clear that shit for us STAT if we die unexpectedly? We used to worry about death due to the mystery of what comes after. Now, we just worry about death because it means we can’t just “clear cache” one last time.
That’s ok, I’ll just add money in my will to pay for the therapy of anyone who sifts through that shit when I’m gone. Consider it a parting gift.
10 Hilarious Tweets That Remind You To Clear Your Search History
1. The search history is an eclectic mix of shit, much like dreaming.
My Google search history just popped up: cat diapers, Mexican pharmacies, lug nuts.
I lead a complex and darkly fascinating life.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) September 17, 2019
2. Ok, but this is all very relevant still.
My 3 am search history consists of:
1. When do we turn the clocks back?
2. How were blow jobs discovered?
3. Chicken recipes
— Just Marie (@justme41767) October 19, 2020
3. The Google search box gets all the shower thoughts you’d never voice.
"Can a venus fly trap digest a dismembered human being and how long would that take" is now in my Google search history.
— Jules (@asaltiercorpse) October 9, 2020
4. Let’s go with yes, because you certainly should NOT do that.
I see your google search history and raise you my sons, which includes "is it illegal to pee on a car?"
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) July 9, 2020
5. The pandemic has made us realize just how vulnerable we all are.
Yesterday I shook a stranger’s hand. Today my left nostril won’t stop dripping.
It was fun while it lasted. Delete my search history.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) March 4, 2020
6. 10/10 would listen for the sake of preserving the sanctity of their own search history.
Starting a podcast called “What is Wrong With My Vagina” in which I read my google search history to a gynecologist
— Soctober Weiser (@weischoice) August 30, 2019
7. 100% this. Sorry weirdos.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their internet search history.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 26, 2019
8. Only the most important knowledge is sought.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale
My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
— Haunted Uncle Jeff (@PickleRudd) January 20, 2019
9. Remember if you get caught, your best bet is to COMMIT!
I only work at the tire shop because my parents saw 'rim job' on my search history and I had to make something up.
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) September 19, 2016
10. If only these existed. Get to work, tech nerds!
Disinfecting wipes but for your Google search history.
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) January 2, 2016
Make sure you get busy wiping those search terms!
And don’t forget to share this with a friend — after all, doing so won’t get you on one of those watch lists. Probably.