It’s that time of year again, ladies. It’s the time when we go through the racks of our local malls, declaring, “What fresh hell is this?” That’s right: It’s swimsuit season.
And guess what? This year’s suits are even uglier and more impractical than they were in 2017.
I have wondered in vain why designers would take something as vulnerable as swimsuit shopping and send us to spandex hell, but at this point, I’m drawing a blank. So I’m just going to get into it.
Are you an insufferable hipster who loves avocado toast? Does your entitled ass have $125 to shell out for a Lycra turtleneck that makes you look like the Whole Foods salad bar threw up all over your torso? Then head on over to Nordstrom! (*Kombucha sold separately)
I’m all for body positivity, but this is positively ugly. I don’t care how nice your rack is, no one needs to see your side boob, Brenda. You look like you stuffed your melons into a couple of medical slings.
Who wouldn’t want Disney Princesses crawling out of their nether regions like some kind of enchanted queef? If you’re one of those women who still identifies with cartoon princesses, you’ll be singing a happy tune when you don these pastel briefs. (*The specific tune? Hakuna My Tatas)
This black number is terrific, if you like to play a game called “back-fat peekaboo.” Now, if you are a size zero, go for it. Personally, I don’t have “thigh gap” — I have “thigh clap,” so it’s going to be a “no” from me, dawg.
Does your cooter need to be restrained with a series of mesh cloths? Try Coot of the Loom. As an added bonus, if you don’t shave, your pubes will peek out of the holes like one of those home hair-dye caps for frosted highlights.
This one resembles a Lisa Frank dolphin, if it were beaten with a bag of doorknobs and then mated with a Trapper Keeper.
Harry Houdini called. He wants his suit back. Also, have you seen his derby hat or his penny farthing? But all kidding aside, if this is in your shopping cart right now, I’m pretty sure you’ve been SteamPUNKED. (* People who bought this also like: Comic Con, Victorian aviator goggles, and celibacy)
Can we go one swimsuit season without the aggressive camel toe? Honestly, even the model is struggling to keep it out of her crease. I bet if she moves a muscle, it’s all going to cinch up into her grand canyon, which is weird because I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a protective cup for cosmetic reasons.
I guess this is cute. I GUESS. But here’s the thing: You’ll need to be skinny to pull this off. Not just “kind of slender.” I’m talking “so bony you give yourself bedsores when you sit on a folding chair” kind of skinny. If that’s you? Sounds super comfortable. Good luck with that.
Did you always want to look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? No, I don’t mean the elegant dining room scene where Richard Gere playfully snaps the jewelry box on her gloved hand. I’m referring to the hooker version of Vivian Ward. The only thing I can say about this monstrosity is, “Big mistake. Huge.”
This two-piece is great if you’re trying to smuggle an errant turd into the pool, but you’ve only got a budget of $3.00. Seriously, does the Poop Emoji think he’s a designer now? This is what happens when we let the masses watch too much Project Runway.
For starters, the material looks cheap. The way the bottoms are pulling away from the model’s crotch indicates that Forever 21 probably sources their textiles from a back alley in hell. If you buy this, you’re going to get boils. But don’t worry because the little pompons dangling from the bosom and pelvis will camouflage your calamity. As for me? I’m on the lookout for a shop called Forever 41 with nary a pompon in sight.
You guys. YOU GUYS. Who let the perviest guy in the Stark Trek costume department design a swimsuit? Is “abomination” too strong a word? I don’t know about y’all, but my post-baby boobs would flop below the designated area and tuck themselves into the bottoms.
This is the part of the article where we all get very uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable. You’re uncomfortable. By the looks of her clenched butt cheeks, this model is uncomfortable. And now I’m clenching, too.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you find anything?
Person: Yes. I’m looking to break the Guinness World Record for “World’s Longest Crotch.”
Shopkeeper: Say no more, fam.
I haven’t seen such an affront to patriotism since Fergie sang The Star Spangled Banner in some sort of Elvish, R & B dialect. I’ve heard of the right to bear arms, but according to that excessively deep plunge neck, this designer believes in the right to bare loins.
Do you wish you had a cover-up that didn’t cover up a damn thing? Do you like absorbing poolside filth with what appears to be a series of tampon strings dangling from your butt? Forever 21 has you covered! (But not really, because your ass is still showing, Emperor.)
Stay tuned for next year when things are going to get worse, probably.
I’m thinking tassles.
I’m thinking bedazzled thongs.
I’m thinking I’m just going to wear a Glad bag to the beach from now on. It would be more dignified.