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Behold, the Ugliest and Most Impractical Swimsuits of 2017

Why do swimwear designers hate women? In years past they would make us a little self-conscious and uncomfortable, but in 2017? It’s like they’re not even trying to mask their contempt anymore. They legitimately loathe us and want us to suffer.

As if we needed another reason to avoid the fitting room this swimsuit season, behold, I give you the ugliest and most impractical swimwear of the year.

Ever wondered what would happen if the poop emoji designed clothes? See above. This bathing suit is what happens to 1990s prom dresses when they die, because what better material to take a dip in than cheap, brown velvet? Here’s an actual photo of what it looks like wet:

Fun fact: when it’s not busy giving you an aggressive camel toe, this suit doubles as a bearskin rug.

Ok, so this one isn’t ugly in theory, but just wait until you try it on because unless you have 2% body fat, your back fat is guaranteed to explode out of that criss-cross netting like a freshly opened can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. Good luck with that.

And you thought back fat was bad? Try crotch whiskers. BTW, if you think this bikini is appropriate attire for a public pool, I’m not sure I want to share water with you. Your questionable judgment leads to the kind of diseases that chlorine can’t kill.


When tribal meets strange cutouts meets perma-wedgie meets no. Just no. Even the model was like, “Could you please crop my head out of the shot? I don’t want my reputation sullied by this abomination.”

Swimsuits For All

Remember when you were an awkward red-haired child and your mom made you wear a tee-shirt in the pool so you wouldn’t get a sunburn? Well, now you can get that same feeling as an adult. As an added bonus, you can also use it when you compete in the Tour de France.

Do you wish you could look like Wesley Snipes in Blade, but you also want a UTI? Why not showcase your lady parts in this fetching ensemble?

The above tankini makes the list simply because you have a 75% chance of getting tangled up in it when putting it on. Pretty sure you have to be a member of Cirque du Soleil to pull this one off.

Am I the only one who thinks the chevron trend needs to die? I mean, do we really need boobie chevrons?

In a related story, boobie pineapples. This two-piece does not deliver the kind of “wow” factor you’re after. I promise.

Finally, if you like to play Marco Polo for blood by whipping opponents with three-foot leather fringe, we’ve got you covered, fam.

Now, let’s tally up our online shopping results.

Swimsuit designers: 10

Womankind: 0

In conclusion, it looks like I’ll be wearing my trusty, seven-year-old one-piece from Costco again this summer. How about you?