Hey, Pinterest moms, I see you with your 37 meals for 40 dollars and your playroom full of space saving hacks. I see your chore chart, and your family calendar, and your homegrown dill that you gingerly stuff into fluffy cheddar biscuit dough. I see you, and I raise you some unique talents that make my day a little more bearable. Sure, they probably won’t be writing any blog posts about me anytime soon, but I can assure you that my… unconventional talents are still something that could astound and amaze!
Did you know that I can make 2 peanut butter and jam sandwiches in record time while a couple of children shriek at my feet? I can also complete a laundry marathon in a single week… usually the same load on repeat when I forget to take it out of the washer, but let’s not get fixated on details.
I can remember every car appointment, playdate and medical appointment without the use of any sort of scheduling system. Instead, I wake up each day and carry on gleefully until my memory triggers and I think, “Oh shit.” I can style a t-shirt 10 different ways, since I’m wearing it over and over, then over again. I have established a fail-proof toddler nighttime routine, which consists of fetching water, brushing teeth, begging her to sleep, getting upset, feeling guilt and being woken up 10 minutes after drifting off myself.
I have a genius hack for bringing in all my groceries — it simply involves cutting off all circulation to my arm. I can make 10 batches of Christmas cookies at the holidays, because chances are I’ll eat at least half. I can make a recipe using pretty much anything that’s in the house, because I don’t actually have all the ingredients, and I never do.
I use all natural homemade body scrubs, which is a glorified way of saying my toddler is stroking my leg right now while covered in peanut butter. I have a capsule wardrobe, because I only own about 7 things my kids haven’t puked on. I am a master at making smoothies, because some days I am too exhausted to even chew.
I see you, Pinterest moms, and I admire your commitment to doing it all while making it look good, too. However, I’m afraid I’m going to have to keep on keeping on, with my disorganized backseat and my birthday parties that have absolutely no theme (unless procrastination is a theme?).
The truth is, I’m a hot mess mom, and I don’t think I could get my shit together if I tried. So if you’re looking for a listicle for how many different child-friendly ways you can say “GIVE ME A BLOODY MINUTE FFS,” then I’m your gal. Not the most Pinteresting stuff, sure, but impressive all the same.