by Topher Paul

Many of you know that I’m a YUGE sports fan, which is why I am so upset that college football is seeing conferences like the Big Ten and Pac12 cancel their seasons prematurely. Seriously, what do schools like Stanford know about medicine? They barely cracked the top 5 med schools in the U.S.! I mean, of course the Ivy League cancelled (bunch of East Coast liberal cucks!), but to see schools from the Midwest act like pussies is just unfathomable.

https://twitter.com/MikeSullivan/status/1299895030488928256?s=20

So if we’re seeing some of these brave (goddamned patriots is what they are!) kids play ball, and not immediately have any ill effects, then why sit on the sidelines? It really has me questioning all science at this point. So I decided to put one of the biggest medical cautions to the test: “smoking will kill you.”

I went out to my local American-owned gas station and picked up a pack (apparently you cannot buy singles) of Marlboro Reds, and proceeded to do a little science myself. For context, I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. Being an aspiring athlete, I was always scared that smoking would cause health issues that would prevent me from reaching my dreams. What a load of crap!

I literally just finished my first cigarette, and I can tell you that it was incredible! I know you might be surprised to learn that I am still able to write. By all accounts, I should be on my death bed, eagerly awaiting Heaven’s white light. False. I am still alive.

And to think, I sacrificed all those years of looking cool for absolutely nothing. Well, today is a new day. Sure, I’ll have to figure out how to financially support this new $70 a week habit, but no longer will I be scared of what it will do to my body.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.