Protesting Christians Say Kotex Holiday Tampons “Too Secular”


Christians are attacking the Kimberly-Clark Corporation for a line of feminine hygiene products they claim to be too secular.

The company’s Kotex Security tampons, released for the season in plain white packaging with a lacy snowflake background, has caused some Christian groups to protest outside the Kimberly-Clark headquarters in Neenah, Wisconsin, as well as nationwide outside stores that carry Kotex products.

“Menstruation is a universal experience, so we aimed for wide appeal,” stated an unnamed Kimberly-Clark executive. “We believe this seasonal but understated design will inspire women of all faiths, and no faith, to put our products inside their vaginas.”

The Rev. Mark Biggles disagrees.

“This is just the latest in a series of despicable attacks on the Christian faith,” says the Kansas pastor.

“Any self-respecting Christian woman who menstruates during the season of our savior’s birth should avoid these products.”

Instead, he encourages women to fashion festive homemade pads out of old Christmas tree skirts and church bazaar tablecloths.

“I, for one, plan to boycott the product,” says Candace Jones, a parishioner protesting alongside Biggles.

“I thank the Lord Jesus we have godly men like Reverend Biggles to guide us through these dark times. With his advice, I’ve kept the devil’s snowflakes away from my twat, and am currently bleeding into a half-completed Nativity scene cross-stitch that I’d been praying I’d find a use for.”

“Kotex’s campaign is ‘Save the Undies’,” says another menstruating protestor. “Well, my ‘undies’ are already saved, thank you—which is more than I can say for anyone who uses these instruments of Satan.”

“They could have at least put Jesus’s face and an inspirational message on the applicator,” added Parishioner Jones.

She then excused herself from the protest to remove a bloody Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, four sheep, two cows, and three Wise Men from her completely ruined underpants.


About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.