It's not the planning of your child's birthday party that sucks. It's the KIDS who come.
Humor Parenting

The 5 Kids You Will Meet At Your Child’s Birthday Party

It's not the planning of your child's birthday party that sucks. It's the KIDS who come.

By Andrea Marlene of

Well, I made it. “Birthday Season” at our house is finally over. Through either bad luck or poor timing, in the late summer through fall our family celebrates one birthday after another. The weekends are jam-packed with parties and the weekdays are full of planning and preparation. And while I’d like to say it’s a time of fun with one festivity after another, in reality it’s the most stressful time of year around here. Christmastime has nothing on Birthday Season.

And, either because I’m an amazing mother or because I’m completely insane (or, as my husband would say, a little from column A and a little from column B), in addition to the family-only parties I throw for my kids, I throw them each a birthday party just for friends. I don’t mind planning these parties at all.

I just hate hosting them.

Some genius (not me) has said that the only reason to throw friends parties for your kids is so you can see that your own kids are not so bad, after all. In that spirit, I have compiled a list of the obnoxious kids you will meet at your child’s birthday party. You need to be prepared because if you are brave enough to send out invites, these kids will be showing up at your house:

The kid whose parents didn’t RSVP. Okay, so you didn’t hear back from one or two kids (or three or four), so that means you can cut back on your spending since fewer kids equals fewer loot bags and activities and everything else. But what if those kids DO show up and you’re stuck without enough stuff? And trust me, this happens more than you’d expect. So either you’re bombarded with kids you weren’t expecting or you end up with extra leftover, useless party stuff.

The kid who breaks your stuff. Please someone tell me how this kid’s parents OWN ANY STUFF AT ALL. This kid will be inside of your house for two or three hours and break five or six things. That’s a pretty impressive breakage rate if you are able to look at it objectively. But you won’t. Because you will be screaming inside when this kid’s parents ask you at pick up how she behaved and you are forced to say “Just great!” in the most sincere voice you can manage to fake.

The kid who hates your party. There is always one child who comes into your home and, just when you think everything is going fairly well, looks you right in the eye and exclaims, “This party is boring!” It will take every ounce of your willpower to not respond with, “So glad you came!”

The kid who doesn’t care about your rules. This kid is worse than the “Hates-Your-Party Kid” because this one will cause trouble the whole time he is in your home. He will take his grape juice into your living room and spill it on your white couch. He won’t hesitate to go into the one room in your house with a closed door (which is the room you hid all of your breakables in because you knew the “Breaks-Everything Kid” was coming over). I even had one kid come into my kitchen and grab food off my counter while the other kids were eating cupcakes in the dining room. I politely asked for it back and she exclaimed, “It’s mine now!”

The kid who won’t leave. Should you be flattered that this kid had so much fun at your party or irritated that he runs and hides when his dad shows up to take him home? I can tell you that if you’ve made it this far, you’re exhausted and definitely not in the mood for his crap. The best way to deal with this kid is to suggest that since he had so much fun at your house, your kid would love to come over and play with him sometime. This gets him out of your house, plus you can get revenge when you send your own kid to his place. Take that, unsuspecting parent! Because my own kids are on this list somewhere, too, and this kid’s parent is about to find out where.

And now that “Birthday Season” is finally over at my house for another year, I plan on pouring myself a glass of wine and fantasizing that next year my husband will agree to shell out the ridiculous amount of money it would take to host all of these parties somewhere else. Cheers!


About Andrea Marlene

Andrea Marlene lives in Canada and is a wife and stay-at-home mother of three. She blogs about finding meaning in the mundane aspects of life at and you can also find her on Facebook at