By Diana Kane of Mama Needs A Cupcake
This plan is similar to How to Potty Train in 3 Days, except you just tack on an additional 395 days. This may sound challenging, but with a can-do attitude, you are sure to be successful. This program was the perfect fit for our beautiful daughter, and I know that it will work for you!
Before you begin this program, it’s very important to properly prepare. First you need to remove all rugs, carpeting, hardwood and tile from your home. For optimal results, it is ideal to replace flooring with dirt and grass seed. Forgo the fertilizer; there will be plenty included in the program.
The next step is to stock up on essential tools for a successful experience. You will need to purchase somewhere around thirty pairs of underwear (the expensive princess kind seemed to work best for us), a special potty chair (that makes a flushing sound but doesn’t actually remove any waste), five to six large cases of diapers (skip the generic–they leak more), fifteen or so packages of flushable wipes, and several industrial-sized bottles of bleach (scented).
After all the potty training supplies are purchased, head over to the candy aisle and load an extra cart full of chocolate chips, Twizzlers, and Skittles. Last stop: toy section! Bribery is crucial in completing the program. Six to seven large toys will be needed depending on how well your child can call your bluff.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are ready to start the most rewarding challenge of parenthood!
Spend a good portion of your child’s bedtime routine talking up the Potty Fairy. She will be visiting that night and leaving all of the necessities to morph these little whipper snappers into panty-wearing princesses. Be sure to let them know that they will be obtaining “Big Kid” status once completing the program; this is a crucial step.
Then list all of the large toys that were purchased. If you have a strong-willed child, you will need to give them one of said toys to get them to fall asleep. Don’ t panic; this is why you have backup.
Once the child is asleep, take out at least $70 worth of the panties purchased and place them into a special sack. Don’t worry about pre-washing them; they won’t be wearing them long enough for it to matter. Place the sack next to the child potty on the floor in the bathroom where one might think it belongs. Relax, it can easily be moved to the living room in front of the television once the actual training begins.
The next morning, when the child awakens, reveal to them what the Potty Fairy brought with enthusiasm. Then remove their “last” soaking wet diaper and begin the exciting process of sitting them on the potty every ten minutes. Please don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work the first 572 times. This program guarantees success within 395 days of starting.
If at any point the child becomes discouraged, you may implement the reward process. Pennies work really well as a starter. Once the piggy bank loses a leg and a quarter goes wee, wee, wee all the way to the bottom of a pee-filled potty, opt for your second resource. Chocolate chips are great incentives but can easily be mistaken for poo. Skittles or Twizzlers are better options.
Having company over during this process is highly encouraged. This is an exciting time, and all of your childless friends will jump at the opportunity to witness a half-clothed child running around the house marking their territory or watching a cartoon while sitting on the loo. Just make sure to enact a “leave your shoes on” policy. You never know when or where a land mine may appear, so it is best to be prepared.
When the process becomes a little daunting and you have thrown away 75% of your panty supply, feel free to resort back to diapers. Toddlers don’t do well with consistency, so make sure you frequently switch it up on them.
Once you have officially thrown in the towel and publicly stated that your child will still be shitting their pants when they receive their college acceptance letter, you have neared the end of the program. The idea of potty training is no longer your idea. Therefore, your child will announce, “I no wear my diaper no more.” When this happens, rush to the nearest Target to purchase an Elsa T-shirt.
And there you have it! Successful potty training in 13 months. You’re welcome!
About the Author
Diana Kane is a not so Pinterest mom who drinks way too much coffee and spends the rest of the day chasing her tail. She recently had her first book published, “Mama Needs A Cupcake.” Find her on her blog and on Facebook.