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People Are Bedazzling Their Dogs’ Balls and It’s Time to Find a New Planet

Every day, I think I’ve seen it all. And then every day, something new pops up to remind me we are a species of extra, and if the opportunity to do more presents itself, we’ll take advantage of it. Speaking of “presenting itself,” case in point: bedazzled dog balls.

That’s right. People are putting glitter on their dogs’ nutsacks, and I think it’s time the rest of us find a new planet to inhabit.

This bizarre grooming trend for canines was first featured on the Royal Paws Pet Salon Facebook page and quickly went viral.

Photo Credit: FB/Royal Paws Pet Salon

The owner of the Royal Paws Pet Salon page made it clear in their post that this is not a practice they personally engage in and that the post was strictly for entertainment purposes. Despite this, the page owner reports in their updated caption that they’ve been receiving all kinds of nasty feedback, from poor business reviews to death threats.

Yes. Death threats over glitter balls on dogs. Can somebody rocket blast me into space as soon as tomorrow?

When I posted this I clearly stated in the post that this is something that I did not do as well as I will not be doing this. The post was for my customers that follow my page and was never meant to go viral. What I’m finding very hard to comprehend is the death threats that I received my business phone that has been ringing off the hook all day with vulgar language as well as people that want to play on the phone. Also, for people to go and write negative reviews about my business that I work very hard for. I offer my services in the community for people that have problems affording grooming, I have groomed for rescues for free to give a dog a better chance to get a home, I’ve assisted in puppy mill bust etc I really lost my faith in people after this. As many serious things that are going on in the world we should focus on more of helping not hurting people as well as animals. I will not for the life of me understand why some people would be so malicious to try and destroy a business because they lack reading comprehension skills.

This person offers grooming services for those who can’t afford it and has a track record of helping animals in need, but sure, let’s threaten to kill them over scrotum bling. Seems logical.

Regardless of whether this particular groomer ices out dog jewels,¬†somebody¬†clearly does because it’s out there. Pics or it didn’t happen, right? Well, it happened.

While some people are concerned this practice qualifies as animal cruelty, another dog grooming page assures it’s done with corn syrup and edible glitter. So I guess there’s that.

I’m not going to pretend to understand what side effects this might have on Rover, but if these dogs are anything like mine were, that glitter is going to last about 1 millisecond before Fido dives deep into his own ass buffet and slurps until he burps.

Listen. You do you, weird dog people. Sweaters? Functional. Booties? I don’t understand how anybody can get their dog to leave them on, but sure. But crystalized cojones? Is that really necessary, Brenda?

Call me old fashioned, but I like my dog’s balls the same way I like my house: minimalistic, marginally groomed, and unavailable for public viewing.

And while we’re on the subject of houses, wonder how much it would cost to have one constructed on Mars. I hear the weather’s great this time of year.