Thanks to Instagram, fashion trends get weird and wild fast. Artist Mia Kennington and her style team at The Gypsy Shrine know this well. They’ve been experimenting with face and body paint for special events. Their latest concept? Glitter Booty.
Exhibit A: Ass Accessories
Exhibit B: Badonkadonk Bling
Exhibit C: Can Coruscation
It’s Poop-Chute Pageantry, Tokus Tinsel, Shitter Shimmer.
It’s butt glitter, y’all.
And according to The Gipsy Shrine, it’s here just in time for “Festival Season”–which I guess is a portion of the year in which young people spend too much money on concert tickets and get attention by dipping their arse cheeks in Elmer’s glue and craft supplies, then go on Instagram and model their bedazzled buns for all the world to see.
Oh, to be young and carefree.
And just like free in general because who has time to go to a festival and/or “deck the haunches” when you have a full-time job and a family and ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES?!
Not me. Butt even if I did, I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to willingly adorn my tush with microscopic shards of metal for the following reasons:
-I don’t even wash my face properly, so I’m not about to loofah Hobby Lobby off of my body at the end of the day.
-As a Home Shopping Network addict, I already have enough shitty bling, thank you very much.
-It would probably make me fart glitter.
-I don’t want my colonoscopy to reveal Stage Four Sparkeloma.
-My hemorrhoid would transform into a tiny disco ball.
-I’d for sure have some glitter migrate into my nooks and crannies, leaving my lady parts looking like they’ve contracted a Smurf STD.
-Proctologists have enough stories to tell at parties. I don’t want to be another one of their anus anecdotes.
-If my husband gave me a thong and craft glitter, I would assume he hates me and wants a divorce.
-It sounds like a suppository for unicorns.
-Finally, let’s just state the obvious, people: Glitter. Gets. Everywhere. My child made me a birthday card with glitter last year and after months of vacuuming, we decided putting our house on the market would be easier than exterminating the craft aftermath.
Instagram, I’ll take a hard pass on the butt glitter trend, but spanks anyway.