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Crotch Charms: The Accessory We Never Asked For

In the latest edition of “What fresh hell is this?” I’m going to tell you about an accessory for your, um, accessory.

It’s crotch charms.

Japanese company BoDivas is responsible for “the Beachtail,” a panty pendant meant to hang from your bikini bottoms.

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Picture a dangly earring, but for your danglers. (What? Is it not normal for your labia to dangle like the floppy ears of an elephant? Asking for a friend.)

It comes in such fetching colors as stain-me-clear and period red.

Heaven knows what inspired this design. Did the jeweler see a rogue tampon string and think, “Yes. That’s what women have been missing–a tiny tetherball between their thighs.”

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For the low price of $20, you can imprison your lady parts with chains and semi-precious gemstones, straight to the gallows of fashion police jail.

It’s the perfect accessory if you want to tell the world, “I have a thigh gap as wide as the gap in my sound judgment.”

All I know is if I wore a crotch charm, one of the following scenarios would happen:

1. I’d offer enough thigh rub to start a fire, because while some people have thigh gap, I have thigh clap.

2. I’m not saying I’m lax about grooming, but that shit’s probably getting tangled in my pubes.

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3. If the bedazzled bit were replaced with a lump of coal, I’d provide enough friction to make my own diamond before the end of the week.

4. Since I’m allergic to most metals, I’d get a rash on my vulva, or worse–tetanus.

5. I’d go for a jog and end up bruising my asshole after the Beachtail repeatedly whacked me like a pair of nunchucks.

Imagine explaining ANY of those scenarios to the doctor.

Doctor: “Nikki, there’s no polite way to ask this…how many sexual partners have you had?”

Me: “Do metallic chode chains count?”

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What’s next in vag decor? Dream catchers? 1990’s skater wallet chains? Wind chimes? Perhaps a Peruvian flute that whistles when you expel an unfortunate queef?

I’d ask the Japanese jeweler to pull her head out of her ass, but I don’t want to be culpable for an accidental strangling because I’m guessing she has her undercarriage adorned like Mr T.

I pity the fool who buys this tacky piece of shit.

As for the rest of us? Let’s be reasonable, folks. Free the crotch!