By Hannah Grieco

June is gone, and we’re heading toward the end of July. Moms everywhere are fine-tuning their summer break music playlists. Where a month ago we listened to Snoop Dogg’s “Drop it Like it’s Hot,” we now have Guns N’ Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle” on repeat. Just a few weeks ago, we peacefully hummed along with U2’s “Beautiful Day,” but now we whisper the lyrics to Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” and Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” with clutched fists.

Is July always this long? Why did we think working from home was a viable option? Here, take this iPad and stop touching your brother. Stop. Stop. SEE, HE PUNCHED YOU; NO, I’M NOT LAUGHING.

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On the playlist, in no particular order:

· The Surfaris’ “Wipeout”
· Kaiser Chief’s “I Predict a Riot”
· Bee Gees’ “Staying Alive”

August looms, and we all know what’s in store: a slow, unyielding death. We’ve been day drinking in preparation for almost a month now. The pool snack bar doesn’t sell hard liquor, and we’re thinking of writing a letter to the board about it. Also, our cousins in North Carolina are back in school by the middle of the month, but not us. Oh no, we’re here until Labor Day. That’s another letter to the board — here, hold my drink.

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You might not know that August was named after Augustus Caesar, who was poisoned by his wife.

(Don’t get any ideas here, Melania. Violence never solved anything.)

But we all kind of get it, don’t we? Must be nice to ejaculate and then work steadily through every summer for 18 years without once worrying about summer camp or the dangers of 10+ hours a day of screen time. Mazel Tov, sweetie. Thanks for that pep talk last night about how the kids need more art projects and museum visits!

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Songs that Pandora should just automatically add to the lineup until September:

· Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer”
· Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces”
· LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out”
· AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell”

But we’ll be fine, right? School’s just around the corner. Right. Around. The. Corner.

We’ll miss those little monkeys as we’re completing our long-overdue project reports and grocery shopping without screaming at our kids to stop touching the fucking candy. We’ll feel better about our parenting and overall life choices when our daughters no longer spend the entire day fighting about LOL dolls and making up and fighting again. When the only whining we hear is Amanda in HR telling us we haven’t turned in our workplace environment surveys yet. When we can pee, shower, and eat an entire bag of chocolate in fucking PEACE. When the only person who seems disappointed in our efforts is the CEO, and screw her anyway. She doesn’t even have kids because she chose a career instead and no, we don’t have a crush on her hot, younger husband. And maybe on her, too. She must do CrossFit or something to get those Rapinoe arms. Fuck.

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Cue September’s soothing tunes:

·Britney Spears’ “Work B**ch”
·Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence”
·Notorious B.I.G.’s “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”

*****

About the Author

Hannah Grieco is a writer and advocate in Arlington, VA. She can be found online at www.hgrieco.com and on Twitter at @writesloud.