By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Well, this is bloody brilliant.
Tech power company Apple is taking steps toward expanding its business to include feminine hygiene products.
According to a recent leak on the company’s Twitter account, the massive tech giant is hoping to specifically break into the business of stopping, well, leaks. And we’re not talking about the publicity sort.
A tweet posted early Monday morning hinted at the company’s plan to break into the period business:
When we reached out to Apple for more details, we were directed to a Mrs. Eva J. Jay, head of the new Jyna Division at Apple Headquarters.
“We can’t release too many details at this time, as we’re still test-running the product. But I will say this: The new iPAD is designed by women, for women, and will embrace both the power and beauty of menstruation. It will provide a cleaner, greener, tech-savvier, and more enjoyable way to shed your lining. Think of it as a menstrual cup, but smarter. And way more fun.”
Here are the iPAD features that Jay was able to share with us:
• State of the art blood analysis technology, with results sent straight to your gynecologist if any abnormalities are detected (gyno’s phone number must be pre-programmed into the device)
• “Moron-proof” application, as—according to Jay— “You just shove it right up there.”
• The ability to “talk” to your phone by texting alerts directly to you when it needs to be emptied
• A personalized “Go with the Flo” music playlist, generated based on individual hormone levels, sent directly to your iTunes library*
• The option to upload personal cycle data to the iCloud, allowing you to sync up with all your gal pals
• Automatic software updates when connected to WiFi (not guaranteed when WiFi signal—or bleeding—is spotty)
*Users may also opt to keep the device’s default playlist, Taylor Swift’s Red album
Jay stated that while she can’t commit to releasing an official launch date for iPADS at this time, she hopes to see the first line of devices flowing into Apple stores around Women’s Day (March 8) of this year.
“We’re still working out a few kinks,” she told us. “One of our early testers reported that instead of sending an ‘empty’ alert directly to her phone, the device itself emitted a signal. She was at her first grader’s parent-teacher conference at the time and had everything set to vibrate mode. Although she did say she found the results ‘quite pleasurable,’ the timing made for a bit of an awkward situation.”
(In case it’s not obvious, that tweet is not real and this article is satire.)
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.