By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Thousands of moms across the country threw their support behind Donald Trump last night after he pledged to build “a giant baby gate” during an impromptu presidential rally at a Super Target in Biggoton, OH.
Trump was allegedly on his way to a hair appointment at a local taxidermy shop when he passed by the parking lot of a nearby Target and noticed that it was packed to nearly-full capacity with Honda Odysseys. Not one to pass up an opportunity to yell at women and children, he immediately instructed his driver to pull over.
As he passed the giant red balls near the store entrance, he was overheard telling a female Target employee that “it’d make a pretty picture” to see her on her knees in front of them.
Once inside Target, Trump immediately made his way to the home décor section, climbed atop an Avington coffee table (espresso), and yelled for “all the money-burning, stay-at-home moms and their hyperactive offspring to gather ’round.”
Eve Nigh, a mother of 3-year-old twins, left her kids roaming the ungendered toy aisles during Trump’s speech so that she could record the event on her iPhone. She later posted the video to YouTube, where it reached over 12 million views in the span of an hour.
Standing on top of a plush ottoman, Nigh was able to capture the entirety of Trump’s speech, which was preceded by a troupe of dancing lemurs screeching out the Trump Theme Song.
“Bitches of Target, listen up. We’re going to build a gate, a yuuuuge baby gate,” Trump said as frazzled mothers flocked to the furniture department, steaming Starbucks cups in hand. “We’re going to have a big, beautiful, childproof latch on the gate. We’re going to let some toddlers through, but they’re going to come through quietly and on our terms.
“And we’re gonna stop letting them take what’s ours. You wanna sit and enjoy a bag of Doritos without a snotty little tot sneaking in and stealing it from right under your nose? Well, that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna put a stop to that. Not that you bums need those Doritos anyway. It’s not exactly ‘baby weight’ when your brats are walking, is it? Let’s be real, it’s probably just PMS cravings.”
“Hey you, down in front,” Trump said, gesturing to a woman breastfeeding her baby. “Put that away. That’s disgusting.”
“It’s time to make America great again,” he continued, stomping on the fingers of a 13-month-old girl who’d grabbed the edge of his makeshift pedestal and pulled herself to standing. “When toddlers enter our territory, they’re not sending their best. I assume some toddlers are good people, but others are just little shit bombs. They’re beggars and whiners, and they’re bringing that begging and whining. They’re bringing boogers and poop and migraines. And most of them aren’t even potty trained.”
Here, Trump devolved into an indecipherable string of expletives, set off by a sneezing 2-year-old. He later told reporters that the toddler in question was “not being very professional” and that “you could clearly see there was shit coming out of his nose, shit coming out of his wherever.”
Trump concluded his speech by informing the Target crowd that he has every intention of making toddlers pay for the giant baby gate.
“We’re going to make them pay for it. We’re going to hit up their college funds, their piggy banks. We’re gonna cash in the holiday-themed scratch tickets that Grandma and Grandpa send in the mail. Whatever it takes.”
Logically, Trump’s derogatory remarks toward women and children during the speech resulted in a huge boost of support among maternal voters. Three hours after the event, his campaign team conducted an online poll, offering moms a chance to win a $25 Target gift card in return for participation. The results: Among mothers of toddlers, the presidential hopeful was up a shocking 666%.
We caught up with Nigh in the Target parking lot after the event to ask her thoughts on Trump’s speech.
“He sees what’s wrong with the way things are,” she said, dodging a flailing toddler fist as she buckled her kids into their car seats. “This baby gate could be a Godsend—a Trumpsend. He’s going to save us all.”
When our reporters asked Trump if he has any big plans to rally support among mothers of school-aged children, he raised his eyebrows and sneered.
“Nah,” he said, waving a few stubby fingers. “If they give me any trouble, I’ll just bomb those suckers. Bomb the shit out of them.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.