You are welcome to breastfeed in our cafe! As long as you cover up. And also, not really breastfeed. Because... Yuck!
Humor Parenting

Breastfeeding Welcome Here (As Long As We Don’t Have to SEE It. Ick!)

You are welcome to breastfeed in our cafe! As long as you cover up. And also, not really breastfeed. Because... Yuck!

By Julie Watts of Mummy Spits the Dummy

Gympie, Queensland: The proprietors of Chatz Cafe have defended themselves against the “cruel” backlash they’ve received since their long-standing policy regarding “modest” breastfeeding made headlines recently.

“It’s simple,” stated proprietor Yuan Miller, who is also the Pastor of the adjoining Victory Church. “We never said we were banning breastfeeding. Even WE know that would be illegal. All we ask is that breastfeeding mothers show the appropriate amount of shame at the offensive act they’re committing.” He added, “It has nothing to do with religion. Why, even Jesus was breastfed! But I’ll bet when Mary was going out, she would have had the courtesy to pump and bottle-feed in public. She had class, unlike many mothers of today.”

Apparently the whole misunderstanding stemmed from an episode where a local breastfeeding advocacy group suggested the cafe might like to display a sticker in the window or leaflets on the counter stating that breastfeeding is welcome in their establishment. Interestingly, given that breastfeeding is indeed welcome, the cafe staff refused. When pressed about the cafe’s stance, Pr. Miller reiterated that “Chatz Cafe welcomes and supports breastfeeding. We just don’t want to advertise that fact. Otherwise breastfeeding mothers might get the idea that they’re, you know. Welcome. Or supported.”

Pr. Miller went on to detail the facilities available for breastfeeding mothers: There is a parents’ room in the adjoining church, which is an ideal place for mothers to spend up to an hour feeding their baby in isolation when they’ve specifically arranged to meet friends at a cafe. (A cafe that welcomes and supports breastfeeding.) He hastened to add that mothers are by no means obliged to retreat to the parents’ room, asserting that his own wife had breastfed in the cafe – ACTUALLY INSIDE – more than once. However, management does insist that a blanket or a large barricade of some kind be used to protect other customers from accidentally seeing a baby having its lunch. After all, it’s only courtesy, and it’s common knowledge that all babies will tolerate being fed under a blanket quite easily. “I’ve seen plenty of mothers do it,” says Pr. Miller. “And as we know, every baby is exactly the same as the next. So there’s no excuse for mothers to make another patron sick or incurably blind by breastfeeding without covering up.”

When our intrepid reporter (a competent Googler) pointed out that a mother had been asked by staff at the cafe to stop breastfeeding even while using a cover, Pr. Miller was dismissive. “This woman brazenly took her breast out and attached her baby to it in the middle of a room full of people. The fact that she was doing this behind a canvas apron is irrelevant. We could all tell what was going on, and you have to draw the line somewhere. What’s next? People walking around naked under their clothes?”

So there you have it, breastfeeding mothers of Gympie! Feel free to visit Chatz for your next coffee morning, safe in the knowledge that they welcome and support your dirty little habit—provided nobody has to witness it. Alternatively, you could just go to the Royal Hotel, where they’ll give you a pat on the back and offer you a free cup of tea while you feed as discreetly or as indiscreetly as you like.

I know where I’d be heading.

This post was originally published on Mummy Spits the Dummy.


About Julie Watts

Julie Watts is a caffeine-abusing, snort-laughing, housework-shirking mother-of-two who lives in sunny Queensland. She quit Facebook to remember the real world, and now blogs about her lacklustre parenting ability (among other things) at Mummy Spits the Dummy. You can follow her antics on Twitter.