I am a man in love. A man so desperate to meet the woman who stole my heart that I have turned to an anonymous online forum where people can exchange used pantyhose for a few hundred dollars; a site where men who cat-called women on the street can reach out to try and connect with the women they disgustingly objectified.
But, alas, I am not here to argue whether or not this site is worthy of being knighted or banished from the interwebs. I am here on a mission to find the woman who I fell in love with two weeks ago. I also know we cannot put our real names so I will refer to you as Fair Maiden and myself as Prince Charming, but only because the name Hottest Prince Ever was already taken.
It was two weeks ago exactly today. Some experts say COVID-19 germs can last on surfaces for up to two weeks. I have painstakingly waited a fortnight to be able to grab this glass slipper in hopes of finding out something, anything about the woman who left it behind.
My Fair Maiden, you attended a social distancing ball at the castle, my castle, two weeks back. Due to the parameters set out by the CDC, the guest list was pared down from 500 guests to 25 guests. Everyone needed to remain six feet apart from each other. Everyone wore a mask. Everyone was instructed to keep their mask on, but I saw you coquettishly pull your mask away ever so slightly with only enough room to sneak a pig in the blank under your mask and eat it in one, whole bite.
With that act of sheer defiance and impressive maneuvering of hors d’oeuvres, I knew I had found the one I was meant to be with forever.
I began my way across the ballroom to try to speak with you, or at the very least hope you would notice me in your six feet of space bubble. Our eyes met if only for a moment. Yours held terror as the time struck 8 p.m. ringing it out loud for all to hear. The bell towers clanging the time drowned out my yells for you.
I chased you down the quite lengthy amount of steps we have in front of our castle. You stumbled and lost your shoe.
“Mi Lady, please, wait,” I called loudly to you.
You paused, momentarily, and turned to me. “Good sir, the powers that be set the curfew for 8 p.m. I must go now!”
Then you ran. You ran happily off, jumping into a carriage that, I believe turned into a gourd a little while down the lanes. I might be mistaken about it turning into a gourd, to be honest. The past few weeks have been quite stressful and my eyes could have played tricks on me.
So, here we are. I am holding onto your right glass slipper, which is estimated to be a size 6. It has been thoroughly sanitized with both wipes and sprays and then placed in a hermetically sealed box, which allows you to pick up your shoe without worrying about coming in contact with any germs.
Please, my beautiful mystery lady, contact my guardsmen and let them know if it is in fact your shoe.
Due to COVID-19 protocol we cannot allow any of the lady callers to try the shoe on their feet. You must provide the shoe’s counterpart to prove the match. I hope you all understand.
I wait with bated breath to hear from you.
- Please do NOT reply directly to the poster.
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