By Lola Lolita
In a bold move about which many are asking, “What even is real life anymore?” East Southwest High School in Northern Ohio has declared it will replace the entirety of its current events curriculum with dystopian novels effective immediately.
When asked about the timing of and rationale for this controversial decision, ESW High School Curriculum Director Donna Givinphuchs stated, “We realize the decision to make such a sweeping change mid-year may elicit confusion on the part of some students and parents, but honestly, we feel it’s ultimately in the best interest of our community as a whole.”
Givinphuchs continued, “This change will lessen the burden placed on our teachers and students to keep up with the news cycle while still accurately mirroring the social and political climate of our time.”
In its official notification letter, which was sent to families last Friday, the district announced it will introduce such dystopian classics as 1984, Brave New World, and Fahrenheit 451 starting next Monday. All students enrolled in the current events course will begin with The Handmaid’s Tale.
Current events department co-chairs Aldous Fuxley and George Snorewell plan to make students’ first unit learning experiences as authentic as possible by pairing classmates in co-ed study groups and requiring them to wear colonial-inspired potato sacks and sun bonnets during the classes’ exploration of the novel.
“Students are excited to start reading,” said Snorewell. Fuxley added, “Definitely. Ofblake and Ofcody have already begun painting a classroom mural, which will feature the maimed likeness of dissenting classmates.”
When questioned about what this will mean for the Language Arts curriculum going forward, English department spokesperson Nomor Reading stated, “Our first unit will consist of Buzzfeed quizzes asking students to determine which pizza topping is their soulmate followed by an in-depth investigation into the best face-swapping apps to compromise their friends’ personal information online. It’s important we give these kids skills applicable to the real world.”
“Big Brother is watching,” added Reading’s second-year intern while averting eye contact.
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