Congratulations, you’ve made it to January. Fun fact, January has approximately 182 days, each with approximately 42 hours. You’d think with all that extra time you’d be able to get more shit done, but alas, these are struggle-hours. There’s no productivity here – just a few extra meals each day and more time spent crying at the helm of your budget.
That being said, the days are ever-so-slowly getting brighter and longer, which means that soon we’ll be turning the corner from sad bitch season into rainy-soggy-grass time. Still here for it, though.
Although January is like the hangover of the previous calendar year, that doesn’t mean it’s all bad. Many people have taken the opportunity to focus on fresh starts and new beginnings. While the rest of us are just singing the same ol’ same ol’ while we try to recuperate from the ultimate shitshow that was last year.
One thing that never changes is the neverending drama of parenthood. If there’s one thing you can count on year-round, it’s the endless supply of fuckery and nonsense, courtesy of your children. Bless them for being consistent!
Here are 15 funny tweets from parents to get you through January!
1. I see you pacing yourself, I like that
5-year-old: I'm going to be good tomorrow.
Me: Why can't you be good today?
5: I have plans.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2020
2. The HORROR
I’d rather be woken up in the middle of the night with my kid staring at me holding a pair of scissors than my kid staring at me at any point during the day holding Candy Land.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 21, 2020
3. This checks out
Parenting is telling one kid to leave the other one alone until you die.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 4, 2020
4. So zen and relaxing, 10/10 moms would recommend
There was a dude tuning our piano for three hours today and it was possibly the quietest three hours I’ve experienced since becoming a parent.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) January 27, 2020
5. So much shit to do, so little time
me: it's bedtime
kids: ok hold on we have to build a house, write a book, perform surgery, travel for business, can you cut my nails and also [projectile vomitting]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 16, 2020
6. Mommy needs to know where to direct her outrage, mmkay
One minute you’re young, cool, and dancing to live music every Friday night, and the next minute you’re begging your kids through gritted teeth to go back to bed so you can finish watching your documentary about avocados.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) January 22, 2020
7. He’s a Goddamned liar, this one is
My son, 3: Shiiiit.
Me: (gasp) Omg, where did you hear that.
Him: from you.
Me: (nervously) I didn’t say that.
Him: yeah, you fucking did.
Me: we’re just gonna go.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 20, 2020
8. A very delicious mystery
"yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway" I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
— Marl (@Marlebean) January 6, 2020
9. It’s every parent’s favorite song
The only thing that brings more joy than the laughter of a child is when the morning school bus comes to take them away.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2020
10. AND you have to clean up after them
Parenting is just like waitressing only you get the same customers for every meal and they’re the shitty kind that demand ridiculous things and then never tip.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 26, 2020
11. It really is something to behold
The sheer panic small children have when they momentarily get their heads stuck while putting on a shirt, followed by pure joy when they make it through to the other side is life.
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) January 26, 2020
12. My life mantra
Yoga pants, messy bun, getting fucking nothing done.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 25, 2020
13. HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A FANTASTIC DAY PAL
Hey so if my 3yo asks, the middle finger is just how you say hi to other drivers.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 26, 2020
14. Teach your kids to be honest, but DO NOT lead by example
I’m one tantrum away from telling my kid that her joke isn’t funny and the trick she just showed me sucks.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) January 26, 2020
15. Who likes pants, anyway? Highly overrated
I told my toddler to put on her pants and she said no because she doesn't like walking pants then I looked at my stretchy pants and realized we both really don't like walking pants.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 26, 2020
Don’t forget to give this a share, and spread the laughter and joy!