MockMom SPM/MM

For Rent By Owner: The Safe Haven of My Uterus

By Mandi Em

Greetings! In light of recent events that have left us divided and outraged, I have decided to hereby turn a negative into a positive and offer up the vacancy of my uterus to those who need it for their safe haven.

For years we have wondered how to protect the lives of those who have been marginalized and deemed as lesser-than from the wrinkled, papery fingers of the establishment who have largely held their precious lives in disregard. However, it is clear now that in order for their lives to be worthy in the eyes of those policymakers who identify as pro-life, they simply need to be sheltered by the comforting walls of a human uterus.

It is with this in mind that I am offering up the shelter of my ute to the following people. I look forward to seeing their existence validated and vehemently protected and embraced under the pro-life umbrella!

Mothers who are at risk of death from childbirth complications:

According to the CDC, approximately 700 women in the U.S. die each year from pregnancy or complications from childbirth. I’m curious how this might be affected by forcing women in any given scenario to carry births to term. Nevermind. In the age of pro-life rhetoric, I am sure that your stay in my uterus will allow you to be adequately medically cared for, and that your lives will be treated with the utmost, sign-touting importance! That goes for you too, black mothers! Although you are 3 times more likely to die from complications than white mothers, a comfy vacation in my humble uterus will likely be all that’s needed to humanize your plight in the eyes of policy-makers!

People of color:

It’s hard for you to speak up to the abuses you suffer on a daily basis without fear of being penalized or killed, but it all stops here! Once encapsulated in my human ute, your life will surely have value to lawmakers. Pro-life and all that! Certainly once under the patriarchal gaze in the deepest recesses of the female reproductive system, your lives and liberty will be fiercely protected!

Gay, trans and non-binary people:

Find yourself humanized in the eyes of the law and under the grandfatherly stewardship of old white men while encased in the luxury of my uterus. Did you know that a human embryo starts off with no recognizable gender or sexual preferences yet? And yet they still hold value in the eyes of pro-life supporters? Surely you will be afforded the same kindness! Amen! Pro-life!

Schoolchildren who are at risk due to rampant gun violence:

Your right to go to school without potentially losing your life due to the staunch protection of asinine and neglectful gun laws just isn’t high on the priority list. Because we need to be prepared if the gub’mint is gonna try and take our freedoms! However, if you have a stay in my uterus, your right to life is sure to be protected with the strictest of care. Yahoo! Pro-life across the lifespan! Can you imagine such a thing? My ute can!

Migrants and asylum seekers:

Welcome to my uterus! You matter here! Within these walls, your life is precious and will be protected at all costs. If you get separated from your family, never fear! My ute is very easy to find. You can’t miss it! Like most uteri, it is surrounded by a council of translucent-skinned ancients, drumming their knotted fingertips together as they ponder, pass judgement, and ponder some more.

Women at risk of imprisonment and death from their choice of whether or not to carry a baby to term:

Oh shit! You still decided to choose and you are paying for it. Maybe you are paying with your life in some back-alley botch job. Maybe you are paying by being penalized for your difficult choice. In the pro-life world, no one cares whether carrying a baby to term is a massive commitment that absolutely requires sacrifice and physical, mental, and emotional load-bearing from the mother. Who gives a fuck about you?! Nobody – that is until now. In the safe haven of my uterus, your life will be protected and treated with all the good Christian humanity that can be mustered. God bless!

I look forward to filling my vacancy up quick. First come, first serve!


About the Author

Mandi Em is the content creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a healthy-ish humor and adulting blog. Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter and posting pictures of her food and nonsense on Instagram, and Facebook.