Thousands of Adele fans are in shock this week after the renowned pop sensation took to Twitter to make what most are calling a “heart-shattering” announcement.
The recording artist—who’s become known for her depressing love ballads and sob-inducing lyrics—crushed the probably-already-broken hearts of fans everywhere with a single tweet, revealing the shocking truth behind her many hit songs:
That’s right. It turns out all those powerful songs that have left fans bawling in empathy and understanding were actually written about Adele’s annual gyno visits.
In the hour following the tweet, thousands of fans reportedly crashed their iPhones and computer keyboards as they wept actual tears of betrayal into their electronics, rendering them powerless to respond to the announcement via their own Twitter accounts.
Not one to ignore the voices of her adoring fans, Adele held a press conference the morning after the big announcement.
Standing at a podium in front of an animal shelter for abandoned one-legged puppies, Adele opened up about the truth behind her lyrics, pausing every 140 characters or so for dramatic effect. She was accompanied by her agent, a body guard, her gynecologist, and man in a disturbingly accurate speculum costume.
“The thing about singing and song writing is that you have to dig deep, you know? Any successful artist will tell you that,” Adele said, pausing as the giant speculum man raised his metal-clad arms in the shape of a “Y” above his head where he then proceeded to open and close them menacingly.
“You have to dig as deep as the doc does when she scrapes your cervix, write from a place of emotional discomfort, anger, PAIN. And that’s exactly where my head is at mid-pap.
“Well, I guess my head is actually propped up on what feels like a pillowcase stuffed with tissue paper, but you know what I mean.”
Adele then went on to explain that many of the song lyrics fans have become so familiar with are actually alterations of her originals.
“Most of my songs underwent major editing by my producers. They thought more people would be able to relate to my music if they didn’t know I was singing about my ‘nasty lady business.’ So they had me omit some stuff, change some words.”
While most of the fans at the press conference claimed to be devastated—and a few actually a bit nauseated—by the realization that they’ve been comparing their genuine emotional despair to songs about a medical exam of female genitalia, one fan claimed that she “knew it all along.”
“I mean, I thought it was obvious,” said Sara Vix, a 29-year-old mother of two. “You can’t express that level of emotion without a vagina being involved. The best songs are the ones that make you FEEL something. Adele is totally my gyno jam. As soon as the doc tells me to spread ’em, I just put her ‘25’ album on my iPod, and everything else melts away.”
After the press conference, Adele posted some of the altered song lyrics on her Facebook page “to let [her] loyal fans know where [she] was coming from.” Among them:
You almost made me bawl, rolling in the deep, deep caverns of my lady bits. (Rolling in the Deep)
Hello from the other side of the speculum. (Hello)
Rumour has it, it’s a yeast infection. (Rumour Has It)
So I’ll set fire to the stirrups. (Set Fire to the Rain)
Turning exam tables into platforms of torture. (Turning Tables)
Let my knees fall as I spread all. (Skyfall)
Don’t clamp me, I beg. I remember you said, “Sometimes it goes real smooth but sometimes it hurts instead.” (Someone Like You)
Can I have some remedy? Because wiggling my toes doesn’t do sh*t. (Remedy)
No word yet on how Adele’s announcement is affecting iTunes sales.
However, her agent did inform us that we can “expect big things from her in the future,” as she has a colonoscopy scheduled for next month.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.