Don’t Worry, I Coach Girls Basketball

By Anna Gracia of

Hey there, you know me. I’m your neighbor/co-worker/PTA dad. Sure, you don’t really know me, but you know I say hi to you in the mornings. You know I wear khaki pants and make corny jokes about the weather. Did you also know I coach girls high school basketball?

You may have heard some disturbing rumors about me. About how I’m not totally certain schools should have been racially integrated, or that I’m pro-torture. I’m not here to deny any of those — they’re totally true! But have you heard I coach girls basketball?

You wouldn’t know it from my ability to converse with the other moms at school, but I really hate the idea of giving women bodily autonomy. Even though I don’t know what the heck birth control actually does for a woman. Estrogen? Fallopian tubes? What are those? Who cares? Ha ha. I bet my girls basketball team would love that joke.

You see, I’m a really loyal guy. So loyal, I’m willing to perjure myself again and again for a person who would rat on me at the drop of a hat if he weren’t currently the President of the United States. But I’m a team player. Just like the girls on the basketball team I coach!

How about the environment, though, huh? These liberal hippies are out here trying to clear air pollution and stop climate change. Ha. If I were the CEO of Starbucks, I’d manufacture plastic straws and just dump them straight into the ocean. That would show those bleeding hearts! But I can’t — I’m too busy coaching girls basketball.

Speaking of things I’d do, if I were on, say, the Supreme Court, I’d overturn protections for the LGBT community because if there is one group of people who definitely don’t need rules keeping them from getting fired or discriminated against for being who they are, it’s them. After all, I don’t see special protections laid out for the (non-LGBT) girls on my basketball team.

And don’t even get me started on health care. It should be called personal care, as in, it’s your personal responsibility to go to medical school to diagnose and treat yourself of any illness, am I right? Of course I am. I’m a coach, after all.

So ladies, minorities, LGBTQ-ers, environmentalists, poor people, sick people, and anyone else with a heart, stop worrying about what might or might not (but definitely will) happen if I get a lifetime appointment to the highest court, the last arbiter of justice in our troubled country.

I’m a great guy who will definitely smile at you when I pass you in the carpool lane and shake your hand, no matter how sub-human I find you.* Just ask my girls basketball team.

Brett Kavanaugh

*exception for parents of Parkland victims


About the Author

Anna writes about movies and entertainment at You can find her ranting about politics on Twitter at @hapasareasian.