By Jill Morgenstern of Do Try This at Home
Doctors in St. Louis have been successfully employing new methods to help treat parents and elves suffering from Chronic Elf Ennui Syndrome (CEES).
The technique employs a combination of MRI scans along with antibiotics and various relaxation methods. First developed by doctors at Southeast University, the technique involves no surgery and has been the most promising study of the last decade.
“CEES affects up to 32 percent of the population of parents who employ elves during this season,” stated Dr. Parker Brenham. “And that number is growing every year as more and more parents look to elves to help discipline and delight their children. We predict the problem will be even worse next year.”
The onset of the syndrome typically manifests in the second week of December with some cases being seen as early as few days after Thanksgiving.
As of last year, the most readily available remedy to stressed and tired parents had been mass elf layoffs. “Chronically stressed parents had been laying off elves at an alarming rate,” stated Brenham. “We knew we had to do something to aid both the parents and the elves at this joyous, yet difficult, time of year.”
Many more tests are required, and the method is not without its detractors. Says one Elf activist, “These elves expected to be well cared for with 401Ks, health benefits, and many of them were promised pensions. Their conditions are deplorable as they wait for these procedures to be tested. We need something that will help the elves right away.”
Nonetheless, Dr. Brenham remains hopeful. “I fully believe that the procedure we’re developing will be able to return the Christmas spirit to 93-97% of suffering parents.” These results compare favorably to previous surgical procedures, which have only shown a 63% success rate. “We feel that we are within five years of curing Chronic Elf Ennui Syndrome forever.”
(In memory of Fiona Kitty Carroll and her elf, Pernilla.)
About the Author
Jill Morgenstern is a wife, mother, and teacher. She has four kids ages 27 to three, 13 years of teaching experience, and a Master’s Degree in Teaching Reading, yet reserves the right to be wrong about everything. She writes about food, family, and the ridiculous at Do Try This at Home. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.