By Nikki Campo
More Coffee, Please! Three Kids, Awake Five Times Between 11pm and 4am. Of course he couldn’t help me last night because he needs rest so he can work. In an office. With other grown-ups, using big words. Using the bathroom alone, which I haven’t done for the past seven years, but who’s counting? #caffeine #positivevibes #GetThroughTheDay
Overseas Flight with This Guy and Our Squad of Three Under Seven! This vacation is just what we all needed. What I didn’t need was Play-Doh, a rejected lollipop, half-eaten applesauce pouch, and 13 chewed straws on my tray table, while he enjoys hot coffee and a Wall Street Journal. It’s the fair arrangement, I guess, since I’m not working outside the home and don’t need to read the news anymore. #intheclouds #instamazing #teamwork
Nothing Like Sick Baby Snuggles! You’d have thought I asked for his last kidney when I begged him to take the baby to the ER last night because I was also deathly ill. He finally relented, but had to Face Time when the doctor started asking incredibly detailed medical questions no working father could possibly answer, like the YEAR HIS OWN CHILD WAS BORN. #poorbaby #luckymama #IGotThis
Block Party with the Fam! As the “provider,” the King over there on his portable folding throne gets to drink koozies of beer and unwind with our friends after a long day at work, while this “homemaker,” despite her graduate degree and desperation for adult conversation, is relegated to chasing down his children to reapply sunscreen and fasten bike helmets. Ask me if I’m bitter. #inspo #summerlovin #ItsPartyTime
Date Night and Dessert with My Main Squeeze (and his iPhone! LOL!) One 90-minute restaurant meal alone together per month. Is that TOO MUCH to ask? Apparently so. I’d like to tell him to go to hell but I’d have to send an email for him to get the message. I may stab one of us with a butter knife. #WorkFromAnywhere #foodporn #couplegoals
Campfires and S’mores, Couldn’t Ask for More! Except for maybe a little help planning “our” dream trip. You know, the one he’s been “subtly” suggesting for the past three years but never had time to plan because he works? #luckywife #adventures #FreshAirAndFreedomPlease
Company Pool Party! Lovely for everyone who can enjoy it. Of course, that doesn’t include me because I’m too busy parading around in the equivalent of underwear in front of his coworkers to prevent our children from drowning because SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO IT and apparently it has to be the person who chose not to be gainfully employed outside the home. #instagood #lovehim
Girls’ Weekend – Off to Des Moines! Hope this is fun because there’ll be hell to pay when I get back. The house will be in utter disarray because “NO ONE can parent AND clean” like I do EVERY SINGLE DAY. Hubby’s Rule: If it scatters, stains, or requires scrubbing with a toothbrush, it’s fair game to leave exactly as-is until I return. I may have to sell the house “as is.” #karma #gratitude #priorities
Seven Years Later, and I Love Him More Today Than I Did Back Then. Did I like my brain, the collagen in my face, our sex life, vitality, conversations, and a little time to myself more back then? I’m pretty sure I did, but who can remember life before staying home full-time with three beautiful children that I get to parent basically alone? #blessed #nofilter #BeYouBeTrue #TilDeathDoUsPart
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About the Author
Nikki is a humor writer based in Charlotte, North Carolina. Most of her material comes from intellectual debate with toddlers. She also writes about her mom, dessert, and the use of pyrotechnics in meditation. Nikki studied with The Second City and has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy. She is a loving, passive aggressive wife and mom who is totally trying to be better at something other than Instacarting diapers. Follow her around the kitchen or @nikkicampo on Twitter or @nikki_campo on Instagram.