Going to the beach is an experience we’re probably all familiar with. In the movies, we’re sold beach trips as these beautiful, magical experiences full of sand, the gentle lull of waves, and orangey-pink sunsets dipping into the horizon.
Perhaps you even had a trip like that. When you were young, beautiful, and child-free. Maybe your days consisted of lazily sunning yourself and basking in the sweet sunshiney freedom of your youth.
All things must change. But the beach stays the same – or so they’d have you think. The beach is now sold to us as a great place to unwind and play with the kids. PLEASE. We parents know better! Sure, it might be fun, and sure, you might leave with some memories… but you’ll also probably leave with a whole lot of sand, a crying child, and a belly full of overpriced fries and regret.
So here’s to the beach! An idealized location that is both wonderful and terrible in its own special way!
Here Are What The Funny Parents Of Twitter Have To Say About Beachtime Fun
1. OMG so much fun, you guys
Going to the beach is really fun if you like to pick sand out of your ass crack for a week straight.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) June 25, 2019
2. It’s literally just one more thing to carry
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 28, 2018
3. Fun for the whole family? That’s one word for it
— MomCave TV (@MomCaveTV) July 26, 2019
4. Kids don’t need special beach toys; they’ll play with anything, really
My husband, shortly after arriving at the hotel to begin vacation: Is there a reason our massive stockpot just fell out of my suitcase?
Me: That’s no longer a stockpot.
4: That’s my beach drum.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) July 3, 2018
5. Ok, but someone needs to care about the internal temperature of that thing
75% of being a dad at the beach is yelling at people to shut the cooler.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 10, 2016
6. Garbage > toys
I'm not sure why I bring toys to the beach since my kids would much rather play with my empty seltzer can.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) June 7, 2017
7. It’s important to make sure your beach trip is organized, otherwise chaos ensues
When you're at the beach and realize you put the uneaten goldfish crackers in the bag with the rectal thermometer.
Worst. Snack. Ever. pic.twitter.com/OCNNPGwvTY
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) July 26, 2019
8. Don’t fight it!
If you ever get sand in your car, just throw in some towels, Boardwalk Fries, and a life guard – you now drive a beach. That shit’s never coming out.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) May 3, 2019
9. It’s all about making memories though
I enjoy long walks on the beach digging my toes in the sand, as I carry my child (beach chairs, popup tent, cooler) mid-tantrum over a dropped ice cream cone & salt water in her eyes while she kicks, filling my backseat with enough sand to create our own private beach. #summer
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 30, 2019
10. Is there a secret handshake or…?
Whenever I read that something is the “perfect beach read” I’m like who are these women who just sit at the beach reading? I imagine they have fancy hats and pedicures and bejeweled pill boxes full of Xanax and I want to know how to join their ranks?
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 16, 2018
11. Pro-tip: you can measure your fun by the amount of garbage you make
Mom Tip: When choosing a new beach bag, be sure to get one with many pockets to adequately hold all of your children's rocks and shells, other people's garbage they've picked up, and of course, their own garbage.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) July 4, 2018
I'd be more inclined to follow my heart if it spent more time on tropical beaches.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 29, 2019
13. Hope quickly dies at the beach
(Going to beach)
2:*singing and talking excitedly*
M:We should do this more often!
(2 hrs later-baby crying)
H:We're Never doing this again
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) July 11, 2016
14. It’s all fun and games if there’s a break in it for Mom and Dad
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017
15. No, seriously. Immobilize your kids. You can thank us later
How to enjoy the beach in 3 easy steps pic.twitter.com/aARxrfyMLM
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) June 17, 2019
The beach is all about sun, fun, and regret (if you happen to be a parent)
Although I suppose it is a little better than sitting on your ass at home, waiting for your kids to grow up so you can have a real vacation.