By Joelle Wisler of Running From Mountain Lions
With only a few days left of vacation, Susan Scott, mother of four, allegedly snapped and flushed herself down the toilet. Her children then jumped in after her. Emergency crews are on the scene.
“It was the kids. They just wouldn’t stop following me around. I took them swimming, to the movies, to the playground. They were bored. They needed a sandwich. I kept feeding them, and then 10 minutes later, they just wanted to eat again,” Susan explained via satellite from the sewer system.
It was after a particularly violent fight over the last Goldfish cracker when Susan made the decision to take matters into her own hands and locked herself in the bathroom in an attempt to “find a place to think actual thoughts.”
“At first, I just sat there playing Candy Crush. It was truly blissful for about five minutes. Then the 2-year-old found me and started stretching himself under the door to reach me. I couldn’t believe he was able to do that. The force of his desire to be touching me at all times was actually breaking the law of physics,” Susan reported.
Local Physics Specialists were not available for comment, but the tremendous will of toddlers was widely corroborated by mom experts through an anonymous poll.
As soon as the toddler had squashed his body under the door, Susan stated that she “couldn’t take another moment in those crazy people’s presence” and in an unprecedented act of physical contortion, Susan jumped into the toilet and flushed.
“It felt so freeing at first. Like, you kids treat me like crap, watch this, you tiny assholes!” Susan stated. “I flew down that shitter tube without a moment of regret!”
Unfortunately for the entire Scott family, Susan’s plan went horribly wrong because she had completely underestimated her children. From outsider reports, the four Scott children really wanted their mother to get them a glass of water and find their lost shoe and give them money and drive them somewhere. So they jumped in the toilet after her.
“I couldn’t f*@#ing believe it,” Susan lamented. “They even f*#$ing followed me into the sewer system.”
At the time of the interview, the Scott family continued to be stuck in the sewer system where all were unharmed physically, although Susan sounded resigned and the children were overheard arguing over who could sit next to her.
Emergency crews are working overnight to try and rescue the family.
Mr. Scott was unavailable for comment, but multiple sources reported that he was seen at the Mayfair golf course dancing and buying rounds of drinks.
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About the Author
Joelle Wisler is a writer and mom living in the mountains who loves quiet Saturday mornings and other mythical things like personal space and time to think. She named her blog Running From Mountain Lions so that if she ever meets up with a big cat, at least she can go down in a blaze of irony. Her writing has been flung haphazardly about the internet, but she writes regularly for Scary Mommy and The Huffington Post. She made The Today Show’s List of Funniest Parents on Facebook and contributed to the anthology Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays. Find her on Facebook and Twitter.